


Your Name, Like A Song I Sing Myself

by LadyVictory



Series: Rebuild As If From War [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex is dead (as per the first story), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Demisexual Character, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, SuperCop - Freeform, Well HOPEFUL ending?, demi!kara
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-10-08 19:23:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 36,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10394331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyVictory/pseuds/LadyVictory
Summary: Kara adores Maggie, she really does, but all at once remembers that the smaller woman is notorious for her avoidance of her own feelings and her ability to dodge having to talk things out.“Maggie Sawyer, can we just skip past the whole denial thing and get to point?”“Denial? Of what?” Now Maggie rallies a little, standing as tall as she can, crossing her arms over her chest in a way that Kara knows she means to be a show of strength but really is clearly an attempt to shield herself. “Kara, I don’t know what you think is going on between us, but you, you’re wrong. Okay? I’m… single, and you’re my dead girlfriend’s little sister.”Kara could almost believe the cold, dispassionate tone Maggie has affected, except for the tremors in her voice. They speak to the deep anguish and confusion the Kryptonian knows Maggie is wrestling with.****Alex is gone, and Kara and Maggie have come to rely on each other to get through the day.Except, there's more to it than two women grieving.That more drives Maggie into a guilt-spiral of denial, but Kara is no fool.





	1. Kara I

**Author's Note:**

> AN 1: I am of the House of Owning None, and Profiting Even Less.
> 
> AN 2: A continuation of Sounds, Like Penance because I couldn't organically shift tones in one fic.
> 
> AN 3: As this is a continuation, Alex is still dead. There will be some Sanvers talk and a flashback or dream sequence or two, but that is all.
> 
> AN 4: I needed to get them to a hopeful place. That will include FEELINGS and possibly kissing (definitely kissing, possibly of each other). If you are not about that Kara/Maggie jawn, no harm no foul in you hitting the back button.
> 
> AN 5: I have no beta. I jist type this directly into my phone...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been over seven days since Kara Danvers has seen Maggie Sawyer.

It's been over seven days since Kara Danvers has seen Maggie Sawyer. (Worse, it's a Monday, which means they missed their whole weekend routine. As Supergirl, the blonde does well with unpredictability and chaos, but as Kara, she thrives on routine.)  
  
Sure, there have been _reasons_ .  
  
Thursday Maggie called to say she had caught a case and was approved for OT. (Kara checked the precinct at around midnight, just to make sure she was okay, and she was there filling out paperwork on her collar.)  
  
Friday she messaged to say she was getting drinks with some co-workers because she lost a bet. (She invited the blonde, but Kara got the impression that it was probably best to skip, so she did.)  
  
Saturday she had just sent a text that said, _Raincheck?_  
  
(Kara had been incredibly sad, had already gone out and bought Maggie's favorite takeout and that vegan ice cream she really liked, but she had just signed and texted back, _okay_ , instead of making a fuss.)  
  
Kara isn't stupid - she knows what Maggie is doing. She understands that the NCPD detective is finally, _finally_ starting to let herself process things, and that she needs space to just... feel.

Kara knows that Maggie can't do it if she is concentrating on Kara (she has felt guilt about how much the smaller woman has been tending to her while ignoring herself, but she is only now realizing the extent to which Maggie has repressed her own needs). She knows Maggie needs space, but...

  
Even though Kara _knows_ all this, it still hurts. Because she wants to help. Because she wants to be there for Maggie. Because she, she cares deeply for her.  
  
She decides to give the detective her the space...  
  
  
On Friday night, Kara hasn't even _heard_ from Maggie at all in almost a week, and she gets worried. Maybe she accidentally offended her, said or did something weird the last time they saw each other? She can't remember anything out of the ordinary. (Except showing up at her house, which, she'd only ever been there once before - they always hung out at Kara's - but to be fair, Maggie had been weird first and left on Saturday...)  
  
She starts to spiral, freaking out a little, before taking deep breaths and forcing herself to get a grip. There is only one way to solve this issue - go talk to Maggie. If there is a problem, they'll work it out. If not, then at least she'll see her.  
  
She texts the detective a simple, _can we meet up -- i miss you_ , and waits. She just has to be patient, that’s all...  
  
She sits around until almost 10 o'clock before waiting gets to be too much. Still no message from Maggie, so she pulls on her jacket (mostly for show, because even though it is chilly out she doesn't really get cold, though partially for the pockets so she can hide her anxiously clenching fists) and steps out into the night.  
  
She uses her hearing to cheat and zero in on Maggie's heartbeat. (After being around her so much, Kara can pick it up as easily as if smaller woman is standing right next to her.) It leads her to the alien bar, which both of them had been avoiding since... since.  
  
Even after all these months, when she steps in the door she is recognized and greeted warmly by the regulars. Some try and offer condolences, but she just plasters a smile on her face and grits her teeth.  
  
Waving, she looks around, a frown bringing her eyebrows together when she doesn't see the detective in the main room. She hears her heartbeat though, picking up speed, like she is running or maybe afraid. It makes the blonde's breath catch; she has to find Maggie, has to make sure she's okay.  
  
She opens the bathroom door with a little more force than necessary, and immediately wishes she hadn't.  
  
The smell of sex is strong.  
  
"Fuck," Maggie yelps, startled by the noise of the door slamming against the wall.  
  
She and _someone_ are in the last stall, Kara can tell, scrambling to get their clothes arranged again.  
  
Kara is rooted to the spot, blinking rapidly, as a guilty looking Maggie and companion (an unfamiliar face, new to the city or maybe just the bar) stumble out of the stall.  
  
"Oh," Kara whispers, stunned and a little ashamed at what she interrupted.  
  
Maggie has never struck her as the type to have illicit trysts in grungy bar bathrooms - not that there was anything _wrong_ with that, as long as it was safe and consensual - and she is not at all prepared to see her like that. (Flushed, lips a little swollen, clothing and hair in complete rumpled disarray...)

Kara tries hard not to notice the sticky shine to Maggie's fingers, and the way her new _friend_ (she's pretty, blonde, and leggy, probably a nice person too, though Kara isn't feeling charitable right now) keeps adjusting her pants.  
  
"Shit, Kara!" Maggie hisses, running her hand through her hair.  
  
Kara flinches as the motion smears fluid onto Maggie's head, the smell becoming stronger.  
  
"I - I just, you haven't been around or answering your phone and, I, your heart was erratic..." Kara rambles, eyes widening.  
  
This is _not_ what she expected to encounter today.  
  
"My heart?" Maggie asks, clearly dazed.  
  
"Wow. That's... a lot. Thought you said you didn't have anyone waiting at home?" The stranger glares at Maggie.  
  
"What? I don't!" The detective assures.  
  
"You don't?" Kara asks, a weird empty feeling in her stomach.  
  
"I mean yes? Wait, I mean no. Kara." Maggie huffs and  pinches the bridge of her nose - with her other hand. "Yes, I'm single."  
  
"Oh," Kara says quietly. The strange hollow feeling moves up into her chest at the words.

What Maggie said was true, absolutely-technically, but, when the stranger had said _someone waiting,_  that felt true too.  
  
"Kara?" Maggie asks, tone incredulous but expression worried enough that Kara knows her own feelings aren't completely off the mark.  
  
"Wow," the other blonde mutters again, shaking her head. Kara notices when she blinks her eyes - a murky green - the lids move sideways. Something about that makes her feel both guilty and also vindicated.  
  
"Hannah..." Maggie tries, but Hannah shifts away to stand next to Kara.  
  
"It's Ha'Nah. And maybe you should work out your status before you leave the house and involve innocent bystanders, _officer_." Tsk-ing, Ha'Nah turns to Kara and shakes her head. "Sorry girl, didn't know."  
  
One more glare at Maggie, and Ha'Nah is gone.  
  
"Kara, I..." Maggie starts, before trailing off and huffing in frustration.  
  
Kara can tell the smaller woman wants to snap at her, but can't bring herself to. It was something Al- _her sister_ used to do, after the initial stage of being cruel - when she was trying to make up for that by being overly kind.  
  
"No, I-I'm sorry," Kara says, because she is. They _definitely_ need to talk, if this is where they find themselves. "I got worried, since you've been ditching me, and I just wanted to make sure you are _okay_ , y’know?"  
  
The guilt doesn't so much cover Maggie's face as well up from inside.

"I, Kara I'm-I'm sorry. I've just been, _busy_ , and-"

This is not what Kara wanted at all.  
  
She raises a hand, waving away apologies and excuses. They aren't necessary or wanted right now.  
  
"Maggie. We just, we have to talk. If you're _here_ , doing stuff like _this_ because you're freaking out about _us_ -"  
  
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" The detective interrupts. She leans back in place a little, head tilted to the side, as if to distance herself from the conversation, pointing back and forth between them in rapid, jerky motions. “What _us_? What exactly do you think is going on here?”

Now it’s Kara’s turn to be frustrated. She snorts, rolling her eyes.

Kara adores Maggie, she really does, but all at once remembers that the smaller woman is notorious for her avoidance of her own feelings and her ability to dodge having to talk things out.

“Maggie Sawyer, can we just skip past the whole denial thing and get to point?”

“Denial? Of what?” Now Maggie rallies a little, standing as tall as she can, crossing her arms over her chest in a way that Kara knows she means to be a show of strength but really is clearly an attempt to shield herself. “Kara, I don’t know _what_ you think is going on between us, but you, you’re wrong. Okay? I’m… single, and you’re my dead girlfriend’s little sister.”

Kara could almost believe the cold, dispassionate tone Maggie has affected, except for the tremors in her voice. They speak to the deep anguish and confusion the Kryptonian knows Maggie is wrestling with.

Still, the detective’s words are harsh, grating against Kara’s emotions like broken glass. She is not ready to talk about Alex with Maggie yet, let alone have her sister thrown in her face like that. (She knows it wasn’t Maggie’s intention, that the dark haired woman was more reminding _herself_ of Alex than trying to use her against Kara, but it hurts all the same.)

Tears spring to Kara’s eyes, and her breath catches.

The fight goes out at Maggie immediately.

“Shit, Kara, I’m sorry,” she whispers, dropping her arms and moving towards the blonde.

Now it’s Kara who backs away, though.

“I… I gotta go.”

“Kara, wait, I didn’t mean to-” Maggie tries again, reaching out.

Kara jerks back, catching the wall with her shoulder. It cracks.

“N-no, it’s - I’m okay. Y-you’re right, we aren’t anything.” The tears slip down her cheeks, a combination of Maggie’s and her own words cutting at her insides. “We’ll talk later, I just, I’m glad you’re okay. S-sorry about Ha’Nah.”

“Kara-”

Kara turns and bolts, moving fast but only just stretching the outer limits of human ability. She knows she can’t trust her strength and coordination right now.

“Kara! Shit.”

She hears Maggie call, hears the sound of the smaller woman kicking the door in frustration. She doesn’t stop though, just runs all the way home…

 

Kara lies in bed, awake all night.

Just as the sun comes up she hears a familiar heartbeat approaching. The footsteps that accompany it are dragging, unsteady, and Kara can smell the alcohol through layers of sheetrock and wood. They get as far as her apartment door and then stop.

A scraping sound - Maggie sliding down the door to sit on the floor against it.

Kara listens for an hour, long enough to hear Maggie’s breathing even out - long enough to know she isn’t going to leave. Only then does she drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next is Maggie, total human wreck, with a guest appearance by SpaceDad.


	2. Maggie I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't want to talk about it," she wheezes, squeezing her eyes as tightly as possible. The star bursts turn into galaxies, and she can hear the blood rushing through her head.
> 
> "You don't have to. Your pain screamed to me from across the city."
> 
> Fuck. Right. The last son of Mars was psychic.
> 
> ****
> 
> Maggie, a small human wreck. 
> 
> Maggie spirals. Maggie is stubborn. Maggie needs help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See firsf chapter for disclaimers and author's notes...

It's Monday morning, and Maggie Sawyer's mouth is dry and packed with cotton (figurative this time, though Saturday night found her in a brawl that left the inside of her cheek split and a nice bruise over her left eye), and she feels like it's been weeks since she's had a proper meal (it's only been a week, but her body is making her pay).  
  
The sound of typing stabs at her consciousness like thick, angry needles in her ears.  
  
"Fuckin' Jesus Peterson, do you need to pound the goddamn keyboard?" She growls, leaning forward to rest her head in her hands.  
  
"Mornin' to you too, Princess," Peterson mutters, purposefully stabbing the keys more forcefully.  
  
"Dickhead," Maggie mutters, struggling to her feet and shuffling over to the back of the bullpen.  
  
The percolator idly gurgles as it cooks a thick, bitter syrup that is supposed to be coffee. Disposable cups full of sugar packets nicked from diners and corner stores are scattered around it, and a small grubby tray of dusty ceramic NCPD mugs sits alongside.  
  
The detective is wearing her sunglasses - silver-rimmed aviators - even though she is inside, but she can still feel the sun slamming into her eyeballs like a jackhammer. Or maybe it's just a jackhammer.  
  
"Christ, Sawyer, what the hell happened to you?" Willis, a former partner she's still on friendly terms with, calls gruffly across the room.  
  
She wants to answer with something clever, something like, _'you should see the other guy,'_ but knows it wouldn't be wise. She settles instead for a shrug, and pours herself the last cup of greasy rocket fuel left in the pot.  
  
"My office. Now," the Captain commands, then disappears through his doorway, door shutting with a rattle that vibrates through Maggie's skull.  
  
"Looks like Mulder's in trouble," Peterson scoffs as Maggie closes her eyes and quietly curses under her breath.  
  
She makes sure to _accidentally_ bump her hip against his desk as she moves past, jostling it hard enough to tip his precariously balanced can of diet coke into his lap.  
  
"Sorry _Lestrade_ " she says, tone extra sweet, knowing he won't get the reference.  
  
"Bitch," he hisses, but doesn't dare do more.  
  
They've had incidents before, and he's one more public display of disdain away from mandatory sensitivity training. (Maggie's never gone to the brass about him - she's a big girl and can handle his bullshit - but Peterson's a notorious homophobe, and stupid enough to run his mouth where mandatory informers will hear.)  
  
With the ginger care of the tragically hung over, Maggie eases the door open and slips into the Captain's office. She doesn't have to be told to close it, just does it automatically - she knows _that_ tone of voice.  
  
"Sit down," he says from behind his desk, regarding her evenly over the tops of his rimless reading glasses.  
  
"I'm good," she declines, undecided as to whether it would be out of the question to just tip the entire cup of witch's brew that passes for coffee down her gullet.  
  
"I'm confused as to why you think that was a question."  
  
His eyes are hard, but his mouth is tight with worry. That, more than anything, is what compels her to take the seat in front of his desk.  
  
She balances the hot mug on one thigh, wiping the sweat that has collected on her upper lip with the other. She's got the detox shivers, cold and hot running through her insides and making it hard to stay upright. She definitely shouldn't have had that sixth whiskey at the bar last night. (Drinking herself into oblivion isn't really her style, but it is getting near impossible to sleep and she is so fucking tired...)  
  
They stare at each other in silence for a while. Long enough for the heat from the cup to start hurting Maggie's leg.  
  
Just as she brings it up to her lips to take a swig, the Captain decides to speak.  
  
"What happened, Sawyer?"  
  
"Ended a fight outside the Triple Crown Saturday night," she answers, because it's technically true.

She hadn't _started_ it either, but that too was a technicality. The guy had swung first, had taken Maggie off guard, but only because he had come back from the bathroom to find Maggie with her tongue down his girlfriend's throat. (To be a little fair to the detective, while she had flirted first, the redhead had be receptive, batting eyelashes, leaning in, running fingers down her arm. It wasn't Maggie's fault the boyfriend was more interested in darts than his date.)  
  
"Funny. I don't remember reading a report."  
  
"Kid was barely old enough to shave. He was drunk and sorry, so I let him off with a warning."  
  
This was true too. After discovering Maggie was NCPD, the kid had panicked, practically going nonverbal. She took him to a shitty diner to sober up and left him as his Uber came.  
  
The Captain is silent again, long enough for Maggie to drink a full mouthful of the sludge in her mug.  
  
"What are you doing, Sawyer?" He asks finally, disappointment clear in his tone.  
  
Maggie can't stand the sound of it, not with the weight she's already carrying.  
  
"Attempting to choke down this offensive excuse for coffee. Who made this? Was it Anderson? It was Anderson."  
  
If a full grown, army and city decorated man could give side-eye, Maggie's superior officer would be giving the best of it.  
  
"Let's pretend that your attempts at evading this conversation aren't so embarrassing they are insulting for a moment and move on, shall we?"  
  
Apparently Maggie hasn't reached her shame threshold, because she feels more of it, uncomfortably hot and sticky, welling up and crashing over her.  
  
"I'm fine," she says, shrugging and looking down into the half full mug in her lap.  
  
The Captain shakes his head, taking off his reading glasses and setting them aside. He folds his hands neatly over the small pile of papers on his desk.  
  
"When Alex died, I let you get away with riding the desk for a few months because I knew - I _knew_ -" he cuts her off with a raised hand before she can interrupt - "that making you take time off would have you climbing up the walls. Making bad decisions. But we had an _understanding,_  Sawyer. You told me you'd get help with dealing."  
  
Clenching her jaw, Maggie grips the mug with both hands, letting the heat begin to scald her palms. Her reflection scowls up at her, twisted and dark in the ripples of the coffee.  
  
"You have a problem with my performance the last 7 months, Captain?" She bites out, feeling the panic start to climb up her chest into her throat.  
  
She has to get out of here. Has to go somewhere loud and semi-crowded and distract herself. A crime scene would be good - a bar would be better. (She would never do that on duty - would rather give in her badge and gun, but the idea, once it's in her head, is so tempting her skin itches and her stomach twists for it.)  
  
"I have a problem with one of my best detectives spiralling out of control because she refuses to get help dealing with the death of her partner," he practically growls.  
  
"Alex was FBI," Maggie says automatically, a hollow sort of feeling in the pit of her stomach.  
  
She realizes that this is the first time she's said Alex's name out loud to anyone but Kara in over half a year. It hits her like a bucket of cold water, and her stomach rolls.  
  
_You will_ not _puke on the Captain's desk,_  she wills herself, swallowing thick.  
  
"Alex Danvers was something else and we both know that, but that is besides the point," he scolds, mouth twisting to the side for a second. He sighs, leaning forward, and for a second Maggie is afraid he is going to take her hand. "Alex was special, Maggie. Don't think no one noticed the way she made you smile just by walking in here. We know you loved her. You were cruising jewelry websites for a solid month, acting like we couldn't see the research you were doing on diamond cuts. Hell, even Petersen thought it was cute and that guy is a Grade A asshole."  
  
"Captain-"  
  
"No, you're not talking yet, Sawyer. You lost a loved one. And somehow you managed to keep it together for a while. Congratulations. But whatever you were doing, clearly it didn't actually work for you."

Anger flashes through Maggie, hot as the sad excuse for coffee in her cup. It feels good, burns away a little of the shame and anguish.  
  
"With all due respect, you don't know what I've been through - how I've been _handling_ things. _Sir._ "  
  
He lets out a humorless laugh through his nose, an incredulous puff of air.  
  
"You haven't been handling anything. You've been shoving everything down. There's only so much shit you can stuff into the hall closet before it comes tumbling out again, kid."  
  
This is a moment of choice, Maggie can feel it deep in her bones.  
  
"I've been out of the closet since I was 14, sir."  
  
Maggie hates having to choose, because no matter what, it always seems like she has chosen wrong.  
  
The Captain closes his eyes for a moment, fondness and frustration clearly at war with each other.  
  
"Take the week off, Sawyer."  
  
Fear grips her, sharp and cold, cutting through the anger. "What?"  
  
"You heard me. Take a week off."  
  
"That... that isn't a good idea, Captain. I just, I need to work it off."  
  
She's desperate, feels like begging. She can barely survive nights and weekends; she knows she won't survive a week off. (Not without something else to concentrate on, not with only herself for company.)  
  
"It's that or you go to a grief counsellor. Your choice, detective. You have until the end of your shift to make the call." Maggie opens and closes her mouth like a fish, shocked. "Dismissed."  
  
  
She lasts five minutes in the bullpen before Peterson opens his mouth and says something she can't handle gracefully.  
  
John Peterson was once a very fit, intimidating man, and he's only _just_ starting to go soft around the edges. Luckily though, he's always had a glass jaw.  
  
Her hand throbs angrily from connecting with his face. Somewhere distant, she finds the ache satisfying.  
  
"You psycho fucking dyke," Peterson mutters, dazed, from his position on the floor. "This is the shit that got you on the freak squad."  
  
Normally even this would be fine, she'd walk it off. Things get heated sometimes, a few fists between colleagues wasn't underheard of. But Maggie is _so_ angry, her insides stuffed full, and the taste of violence sets her off like a shark in feeding frenzy.  
  
She's screaming, incoherent, drooling as she wails and tries to claw her way to him. There is some sort of divine force watching out for her though, because Anderson yokes her before she can get her hands around Peterson's throat.  
  
The look of fear in the man's eyes will haunt her for a long time, once she manages to calm down.  
  
"Easy Maggie, Jesus Christ!" Anderson says as he holds her just off the ground, arms in a half-Nelson. "Breathe girl, you need to breathe."  
  
"Peterson, take a walk, now!" The Captain's voice, hard and even.  
  
"Y-yeah, no problem Cap," Peterson mumbles, stunned.  
  
He gets to his feet shakily and stumbles as far away from Maggie as humanly possible, doing a complete perimeter of the room to get to the door.  
  
The Captain appears in front of her, places a broad, cool hand on her jaw so that he is firmly but gently holding her chin still.  
  
"You're turning in your badge and gun, and you are going home. You will contact the grief counselor before you set foot back in this building. You understand me, Sawyer?"  
  
Maggie's panting big, painful, shuddering breaths, but there are still no tears so she isn't really crying - just releasing some of the pressure.  
  
"Nod for yes," he commands, and she does, a jerky motion that hurts her neck. He releases her face and inclines his head towards the door. "Anderson will take you home. Don't worry about Peterson. Just know that you used up your card, Mags."  
  
  
Anderson takes her home. By the time they hit the car, she's calmed down enough to walk on her own. He makes sure she makes it upstairs and into her apartment, but doesn't bother her further.  
  
She's back on the street in ten minutes, cabbing it to the alien bar so she doesn't have to worry about her keys.  
  
She's deep into her cups when Peterson catches up to her, sliding onto the barstool next to hers.  
  
"You know I'm going to have to hurt you now, don't you Sawyer?" He asks, motioning for a drink.  
  
Wary, the bartender ( _not_ one of Maggie's exs, funny enough), places a beer in front of him.  
  
"You can most certainly try," she replies, voice calm if a little wobbly.  
  
He doesn't bother with more words, just finishes his beer in one giant pull and waits for her to polish off her Scotch. She does so at her own pace, not too quick but not slow either, before placing the empty glass on the wooden bar top with a sigh.  
  
In his natural state, John Peterson - D’jon Ptren, his real name - packs a mean punch. He's stronger than he looks, and he looks damn tough. His knuckle scales, thin but sharp, kind of like a fish's - leave nasty scrapes along Maggie's cheekbone.  
  
With a grunt, Maggie picks herself up off the floor and wipes at her mouth, wincing when a rush of blood hits her tongue. He'd reopened her wound, and the result is salty and bitter.  
  
She lets him get in one more punch, this one to the gut (knocking the wind out of her and almost making her puke up what little she had in her system) before she takes him down.  
  
It takes three moves to lay him out, but she finds when she does, there is no fight in her left to appreciate it.  
  
"Get him out of here," she orders some startled looking patrons, before turning back to the bar and reclaiming her seat.  
  
She stumbles out of the bar at dusk, legs about as steady as a newborn colt.  
  
She falls once, catching herself on one knee and hand, the cold wet ground stinging her palm. Standing is hard, but she manages, leaning heavily against the brick wall of the building.  
  
She could cab it back, but the night air is nice on her overheated skin, so she decides to attempt the two mile walk.  
  
So far she has done an amazing job of avoiding thinking. Maybe she _can_ make it the week without losing her mind.  
  
Like a switch, the realization that she hasn't been suffering under the crushing weight of her guilt and grief causes it to all come crashing back.  
  
_Fuck, fuck, fuck!_  
  
She can't breathe.  
  
The crack of Alex's neck snapping sounds off in her ear.  
  
She's on her knees again, hyperventilating, heaving, vomiting.  
  
"No, no, no, no," she chants, strings of drool and bile dribbling onto her braced hands.  
  
It was her fault - Alex's death, Kara's grief, her own suffering - all of it.  
  
If she hadn't gone on the mission, Kara wouldn't have had to rescue her, and Alex would be alive. If she hadn't distracted Supergirl, hadn't been so fucking weak and slow...  
  
She vomits again, except there is nothing left, so she just retches and sobs twice, before pushing back to sit against the wall, narrowly avoiding her own sick.  
  
"You have no way of knowing what would have happened," a deep, kind voice says.  
  
She feels a large, warm presence beside her and turns to look.  
  
J'onn - Hank right now - leans against the wall, expression sad and regretful and not without a little pity. It's too much.  
  
She closes her eyes again.  
  
"I don't wanna do this with you," she mumbles, breathing deep through her nose as her stomach rolls again.  
  
"Too bad," Hank says, sliding down to sit beside her. "You've been avoiding Kara."  
  
If there is one thing J'onn takes more seriously than his job, it is taking care of the Danvers girls.  
  
"She's better off that way," Maggie says, swallowing hard.  
  
She is _definitely_ going to hurl again, she decides.  
  
"She gets to make that decision," he says, tone even as ever.  
  
" _You_ certainly don't," she replies, frowning hard enough that stars burst in front of her closed eyes.  
  
They haven't spoken since the funeral.  
  
He had been as emotional as she had ever seen him, tears streaming down his face and usually steady voice cracking as he read the eulogy. Something about seeing grown men cry left Maggie feeling fragile.

"Generally, humans think they have market cornered on pain - as though their suffering is the purest, the most real - but you..." He sighs, reaching out and wrapping a thick, warm hand around her shoulder but doesn't pull her in. "Your pain, your suffering, it's enough. You don't need to punish yourself further."  
  
His hand feels heavy, like lead around her neck. She knows he is trying to comfort her - and maybe comfort himself - but his touch and his words are just an added weight. She doesn't deserve the comfort - doesn't want it.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it," she wheezes, squeezing her eyes as tightly as possible. The star bursts turn into galaxies, and she can hear the blood rushing through her head.  
  
"You don't have to. Your pain screamed to me from across the city."  
  
_Fuck. Right._ The last son of Mars was psychic.  
  
"I..."  
  
"Will try and push everyone away, will continue to self destruct until you die or come to your senses." He shrugs, the action rippling down his arm, and hand, and he gently squeezes her shoulder. "I've been on this world for a long, long time. I won't force you to do anything against your ill-conceived will. Humans don't respond well to that sort of pressure. We... are all hurting. Alex was like a daughter to me. I... loved her. You made her happy. If you need me, I will help you."  
  
He releases her, stands. She finally finds the courage to open her eyes.  
  
They hold each other's gaze, his warm and accepting, hers wrecked.  
  
"Your misguided attempts to protect Kara are honorable, but also unnecessary. She is an adult, and she is hurting. Kryptonians were a highly advanced race of people - they had little need for hiding from themselves. She knows what she needs, and she knows what she feels. You need to figure out the same, for _yourself_ ."  
  
"What if I don't want to? What if... what if I can't?"  
  
His look turns to one of soft pity, just this side of _I have been around for generations, I know how this plays out._  
  
"Moving on with your life doesn't mean leaving Alex behind."  
  
She is shaking, a fine tremble in her hands and legs and maybe her heart. She can't hear anymore, it's too much.  
  
Hank nods, as if she has spoken out loud.  
  
"You know where to find me when you need me."  
  
She blinks long and hard, and when her eyes open, he is gone.  
  
She gets up and goes home, not bothering to eat just collapsing into bed.

She goes to the bar every day, but manages to avoid another fight, just drinking enough so that she is sleepy, barely able to keep her eyes open. She spends the week in a haze of alcohol.  
  
  
Saturday, she walks in and sees Kara, Winn, and James sitting in a booth. They each have a drink, whiskeys if she isn't mistaken (which is odd because Kara and Winn _hate_ whiskey).  
  
Maggie watches as they raise their glasses in a toast, hears them say, 'to Alex' before the room starts to close in and she has to bail.  
  
She finds another bar and drinks until she can't see anymore, until breathing is a struggle.

  
  
Maggie wakes up to the steady sounds of beeping, and a weird, hollow ache in her throat. The bed beneath her is stiff, the sheets crinkling like the mattress is covered in thick plastic under the fitted.  
  
Opening her eyes slowly - they feel like they are rubber-cemented together, Maggie is greeted by the sight of a hospital room.  
  
J'onn, once again in Hank's skin, stands against the wall, watching over her.  
  
Their eyes meet, and tears immediately fill hers. She is crying for the first time in almost 8 months.  
  
"I..." she starts, voice a hoarse whisper. She brings a hand to her face, covering her eyes in shame.  
  
"I need help," she finally admits.  
  
Hank lets out a breath through his nose and pushes off the wall, reaching for her free hand. She grips it with all her strength, terror sweeping over her.  
  
She has no idea what to do.  
  
"Please. I, I need help. Please help me."  
  
He nods. "Okay," he says. "Okay."

She closes her eyes and begins to sob.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up is Kara, with an appearance by Winn and Vasquez. There are still feels, but we - like Maggie - have hit rock bottom, so it will be getting gentler/more hopeful from here...
> 
> Any questions, drop them in a comment.


	3. Kara II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's about... Maggie..."
> 
> Pursing his lips, Winn nods a few times. "Mmhmm mmhmm, okay. Maggie Sawyer. Tiny but badass detective with the NCPD, freakishly good at darts and pool, dimples to die for, with a surprising flare in the kitchen..."
> 
> "Winn, why are you just listing off Maggie's traits."
> 
> Winn exhales dramatically, rolling his eyes.
> 
> "I'm pretty sure you're about to tell me that you and Maggie are like, dating or something. I'm just listing all the pros so that when you inevitably freak out, we have the good stuff ready to go to counteract the nonsense doubts your brain will come up with."
> 
> To say Kara is surprised is like saying the Grand Canyon is an impressive ditch, or that The Flash hits a pretty good speed in a foot race.
> 
> ****
> 
> Moments of (re)connection, and a moment of hard realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN 1: See chapter 1 for disclaimers.
> 
> AN 2: Posting this a few days early because I am gonna have a busy week and weekend.
> 
> AN 3: I am hoping that the shift in tone isn't too stiff. We hit rock bottom last time, now we climb our way back up.

Kara hears a familiar heartbeat coming down the hall, but doesn't dare get her hopes up.  
  
This is the fifth time in almost two weeks that Maggie has gotten that far without actually getting up the nerve to knock, or use the key Kara gave her.  
  
Once again Maggie stops in front of the of the door.  
  
Using her x-ray vision, Kara sees the detective standing there, shoulders slumped, wringing her hands. She looks terrified and defeated all at once, and it breaks Kara's heart.  
  
After a few moments, the smaller woman sighs and turns to go. Kara closes her eyes, biting her lip to keep from sighing too.  
  
There is a knock at the door.  
  
Springing to her feet, Kara is there in a flash, opening it without looking.  
  
Maggie stands, hand still raised, a little startled. She has dark, ugly circles under her eyes, and looks like she's lost at least 5 lbs since Kara saw her last.  
  
It takes everything in the blonde's power not to yank the detective into her arms.  
  
"Hi," Kara greets, hoping she doesn't sound too eager.  
  
"Uh, hey," Maggie says, looking down, embarrassment coloring her cheeks.  
  
"Do you, uh, do you wanna come in?" Maggie shakes her head no, and Kara notices the tears in her eyes. "Oh Maggie..."  
  
She steps forward but still doesn't reach out.  
  
"I-I, I just-Jesus this is hard." Maggie laughs a humorless laugh and shakes her head. "I'm... I'm not _okay,_  Kara," she admits, arms coming around to hug her own body. "I'm not okay."  
  
"Is... how can I help?" Kara asks, insides aching with the need to hold the other woman, to protect her from her own pain like Maggie has done for her.  
  
That laugh again, like a small bark. "You can't. I just, I wanted to come and say... sorry." Kara shakes her head, but Maggie nods, holding up a hand. "I've been an asshole. To you, and to _me_ , to everyone, and I just... I needed..."  
  
Kara holds her breath as tears slip down Maggie's cheeks.  
  
It takes the shorter woman almost a full minute to gather herself enough to continue.  
  
"I needed to see you," she admits, ashamed. "I just needed to see you and say I was sorry and I just, I wanted you to know I'm trying to sort my shit out."  
  
"Maggie..." Now Kara reaches out, touches the point of Maggie's elbow with the tip of one finger. "I missed you."  
  
Maggie nods, whole body shuddering once. "Missed you too."  
  
"Can... can I hug you?" Kara asks in a whisper, terrified that Maggie will say no.  
  
She shouldn't have been.  
  
Maggie nods, sniffling.  
  
They meet in the middle, Kara wrapping herself around Maggie and just barely keeping from lifting her off her feet. Maggie grips the back of Kara's sweater like it's a lifeline, burying her nose in the taller woman's shoulder and breathing deep.  
  
They stay like that for long minutes, swaying back and forth almost like they are slow dancing. Maggie fits against her as well standing as she did when they cuddled on the couch.  
  
Taking a chance, Kara moves one hand and runs it up and down Maggie's back, going for maximum comfort. She feels some of the tension leave the smaller woman, feels her melt into the embrace a little.  
  
The blonde closes her eyes and sighs, listening to her companion's steady heartbeat. She has missed this so much.  
  
"I'm not ready to talk yet," the detective says, voice muffled by cloth. "And I, I'm not ready to _hang out_ again."  
  
"Oh," Kara says, frowning, heart clenching a little. "Okay."  
  
It's true that, since Maggie's been gone she has been able to bring herself to re-enter the world a bit. To see Winn and James outside of the D.E.O. and work, to spend time with J'onn and Eliza. She isn't _alone_ , but...  
  
Maggie had never stopped her seeing people, but, there had been a real way in which having the other woman around so much gave Kara the excuse to hide while she processed. She had needed it then, so much, and might need it a little still.  
  
She is grateful to Maggie for being her safe place. (She misses having her to come home to.)  
  
"I just, I'm selfish. I needed to see you and to make sure you were okay," Maggie is saying. "And I, I wanted to say, about before..."  
  
Kara pulls back long enough to look into Maggie's eyes.  
  
"If you aren't ready to talk yet, that's okay. But, don't start the conversation then walk away. Please." Kara goes for firm but caring, and thinks she succeeds when she sees the relief on Maggie's face.  
  
"Yeah. Yeah, okay."  
  
Ducking in close again, Maggie squeezes Kara tight - tighter than any human could stand, almost as tight as Kara likes it.  
  
"I miss you," Kara says, knowing this is goodbye - for now. Her voice is heavy with tears of her own.  
  
"I miss you too," Maggie replies, reaching up so she can leave a kiss on Kara's cheek.  
  
Her lips are warm and soft against Kara's skin.  
  
Kara closes her eyes. "Please, don't leave forever," she whispers.  
  
Maggie tugs her down, kisses her forehead now, before resting her own against it.  
  
"Never. No matter what, I'll be back. Okay?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
Maggie lets go.  
  
Kara keeps her eyes closed, not emotionally able to watch the smaller woman walk away. She only opens them again when she hears the elevator door close.  
  
It takes her an hour to finally stop crying, but when she does, she finds that she feels lighter than she has in a very, very long time.

  
  
  
Kara knows that Susan Vasquez was once a field agent - Alex had told her at some point. (It still gave her heart a twinge to even think her sister's name, but she finds that the more she does, the more another feeling rises up alongside the pain - a sort of gentle, warm love that is mingled with missing her.)  
  
Knowing that, though, and experiencing Vasquez combat skills first hand are two entirely different things.  
  
It's the first time Kara has been in the sparring room in 8 months, and it is not going very well for her.  
  
"Grapple," Susan calls, switching positions.  
  
"Right," Kara pants, wiping the sweat off her brow before sinking down and locking arms with the much smaller woman.  
  
The kryptonite lights are on a much milder setting than some of the times she and Alex used to spar, but she can still feel the exhaustion making her muscles seize and shake.  
  
Fast as lightning, Susan is behind her, gripping her in a hold that arranges her limbs awkwardly.  
  
"Break the lock and close quarters striking," the D.E.O. agent commands, holding firm.  
  
"Ugh," Kara grunts, struggling to do it the right way.  
  
Frustrated and queasy - she really, _really_ hates kryptonite - Kara finally uses her full strength and flies up, dislodging Vasquez, who tucks and rolls as she hits the ground.  
  
"Computer, disengage kryptonite," the smaller woman says, and instantly the green tinge to the room is gone.  
  
With a little thump, Kara lands, immediately able to breathe more easily.  
  
"Thanks. And, uh, sorry. I just got tired," Kara stammers, rubbing the back of her neck, embarrassed.  
  
She knows what Alex would say - _excuses like_ I’m tired _don’t work in the field, Kara_ \- but Susan only nods, going for her water bottle at the edge of the room.  
  
"It's fine. I needed to gauge your current combat-ready level. Next time we'll start your formal training."  
  
"My what now?" Kara asks, practically gulping in fear.  
  
Susan grins, using the hem of her shirt to wipe the sweat off her face. "I've been put in charge of working you through a modified version of the training all agents get, taking into account your flight and other powers." She chuckles, winking at the blonde. "You belong to me for the next six months."  
  
"Right," Kara groans, pinching the bridge of her  nose. "Looking forward to it."  
  
Susan waits until she looks up again, then cocks her head to the side, expression soft and sympathetic.  
  
"What?" Kara asks, wincing.  
  
She's been back at the D.E.O. for almost 4 months now, and so far has managed to avoid the overbearing sympathy of her colleagues. J'onn has been a silent, glaring fixture in Command, and she's almost positive he told everyone they had to leave her alone.  
  
But Vasquez was one of Alex's closest peers. She was the one Alex called first when there was trouble off duty. She was the one Alex always trusted to have their back if anything went sideways at HQ (it was no random chance that Vasquez helped Kara when General Lane attempted his coup). She was really the only one who Alex ever associated with outside of the office (she even came to gamenight a few times).  
  
Unconsciously, Kara has been avoiding being alone with Susan, because as much as she likes and respects her, she just... isn't ready to deal with other people's emotions about her sister (anyone else except Maggie, whom she desperately wishes would let her help).  
  
"We don't ever have to talk about it," Susan says, smiling sadly. "Whatever you need, just know I am here."  
  
It was essentially what J'onn had said, and there is a rush of emotion - equal parts gratitude and shame - that fill Kara's chest.  
  
"Thanks. I, maybe just, not today?" She asks, feeling relieved and guilty at once. She decides to extend a bit of an olive branch, though - a compromise. "Thanks, though. I, it feels good to know you care."  
  
The smaller woman reaches up and squeezes her shoulder firmly, nodding once.  
  
"Remember to stretch before and after our sessions," the agent advises, switching gears (Kara suspects it's to respect her wishes). "Mentally prepare yourself, ma'am - you'll be sick of me soon enough."  
  
"Susan," Kara huffs, rolling her eyes. "You've seen me drunk. You can call me Kara."  
  
The smaller woman smirks.  
  
"Maybe out there. In here, you can choose - ma'am, or nugget."  
  
Kara blinks, confused. "Nugget?" Vasquez just grins. "Like, chicken? Is there going to be food?" She asks hopefully.  
  
Ignoring her questions, Vasquez turns and walks towards the door. "You can wear your uniform if you like, but I warn you, I'll take full advantage of your cape."  
  
"Wait, is it like chicken or...? Is this a military thing?"  
  
The agent chuckles but doesn't answer, punching the release code into the door.  
  
She turns to look over her shoulder. "Take the night off. We'll work around your day job schedule. See you tomorrow, here, 6am."  
  
"Six in the morning?" Kara groans at her friend's back, but Susan is gone.

  
  
  
Winn slides into the seat across from her with an awkward sort of grace. It's like he doesn't know what to do with his hands as he launches himself into the booth, but manages to land smoothly.  
  
"I call this meeting of the, 'we should both be working right now but why not shirk our duties like we don't have rent to pay' society, to an open," he greets, smiling a nervous smile.  
  
A warm feeling fills Kara's chest; they are sitting at Noonan's at 10am on a Wednesday, and she feels almost normal. She's missed her best friend.  
  
"Thanks for meeting me. I know it was sudden, but-"  
  
"No worries, all good! You know I am always down for Super Squad business." Kara looks down, cheeks coloring slightly. "Or... non-Super Squad business? Whatever! You know I always have your back."  
  
"Thanks..."  
  
Kara's already put an order in for them, and it arrives now, distracting from the upcoming conversation for a moment.  
  
"Seriously, how does one corporeal being put away that many sticky buns without completely throwing off their system?" Winn eyes her shrewdly, a little jealous. "It seems less alien and more witchcraft."  
  
She just grins and shoves a large forkful into her mouth. "You love me."  
  
"Clearly, because _that_ was disgusting," he complains, scrunching his face at her.  
  
They smile at each other, settling back into their seats.  
  
"This is nice," Winn says quietly, acknowledging what they are both feeling.  
  
"Yeah," Kara agrees, smile wavering for a second before coming back full force. "It really is."  
  
The eat in silence for a while, before Winn sighs and pulls Kara's plate away.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Nuh uh, you are doing the thing where you avoid talking about something big by focusing on food. You have me off the ranch for a reason, so spill."

 She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, nodding.  
  
"Yeah I, yeah." The blonde looks down at her lap, where her hands are clenched tight. "It's just... kinda extra big, and I am not sure how you will react."  
  
Winn's eyes widen, and he is clearly hurt. "Kara, I'm with you no matter what. You have to know that by now!"  
  
Kara looks up at him, frowning slightly, remembering. She wrings her hands and sighs.  
  
"I know you _want_ to mean that Winn. But I, I remember when I first became Supergirl, and you asked me out and got mad and when I said no. You stopped talking to me..."  
  
His face colors with guilt, and he looks around, unable to meet her eyes.  
  
"Oh Kara, I was, that was, it was _different_ , y'know?"  
  
"No, it-it's okay! Well, I mean it wasn't okay, it was awful actually, you kinda weaponized my guilt about not having those kinds of feelings for you against me. But we moved past that. At the time I got through it because I... well, because I had Alex. Whenever things got hard for me, _too_ _much_ you know, Alex, she was there. But now..." she trails off, taking a deep breath and holding it for a few long seconds, trying to slow down. "Now I... I don't have her. I'm going through _so much_ , and the person who knows me best - my favorite person, she's not here."  
  
She realizes that this is the first time she has really admitted out loud that Alex is gone.  
  
Winn looks at her finally, face deadly serious. He slowly but firmly reaches out his hand and lays it on top of one of her own. It is only the second time he has ever initiated touch with her that isn't a high five - he has almost always respected her boundaries.  
  
"That was shitty of me, yeah. And I, Kara I am so, so sorry I put you through that. I will always regret it. But I'm here now, and I will never not have your back again."  
  
She nods at him, sniffling once, and lays her other hand over his. "Thank you..."  
  
He shrugs, smiling weakly and clearing his throat. "No problem. Now, this big thing?" He starts to move the plate in front if her again, then jerks it back. "Lay it on me."  
  
Kara pulls back, face turning a bright and flaming red. "It's about... Maggie..."  
  
Pursing his lips, Winn nods a few times. "Mmhmm mmhmm, okay. Maggie Sawyer. Tiny but badass detective with the NCPD, freakishly good at darts and pool, dimples to die for, with a surprising flare in the kitchen..."  
  
"Winn, why are you just listing off Maggie's traits."  
  
Winn exhales dramatically, rolling his eyes.  
  
"I'm pretty sure you're about to tell me that you and Maggie are like, dating or something. I'm just listing all the pros so that when you inevitably freak out, we have the good stuff ready to go to counteract the nonsense doubts your brain will come up with."  
  
To say Kara is surprised is like saying the Grand Canyon is an impressive ditch, or that The Flash hits a pretty good speed in a foot race.  
  
In the blink of an eye, she's next to him, hugging him as tightly as his human body will allow without collapsing into itself.  
  
"K-kara," he wheezes, and she eases off immediately, but stays on his side of the booth.  
  
"Sorry!"  
  
"Ahem, right, no problem." He straightens his tie. "Sorry, Maggie? You were saying?"  
  
"Right, Maggie..." she repeats, unsure of how to even get started.  
  
"You're dating?" Winn prompts after a few moments of heavy silence.  
  
"No," Kara shakes her head slowly, sighing. "We're not."  
  
"But... you wanna be?"  
  
Now Kara nods, the movement minute, tentative, as if admitting that will conjure up the cold, hurtful things Maggie said again.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Okay. And... she doesn't?"  
  
"She's..." A flash of Maggie's panicked face at the bar. "She's..." Maggie, in her arms, crying quietly and admitting that she is not okay. "...sorting herself out?"  
  
Winn nods, pushing Kara's plate away from her when she starts to toy with the sticky pastry on it absentmindedly.  
  
"That's good! I saw her the other day at the D.E.O. and, man, she looked a little, uh, _rough around the edges_. Like she needed like a week of sleep."

 Kara pulls away a little, so she can look directly at him.  
  
"You saw her?"  
  
"Y-yes? She was talking to the big guy."  
  
"Oh."  
  
J'onn hadn't told her Maggie had stopped by (neither had Maggie, but that was understandable). Kara tries not to be hurt.  
  
"Oh, hey, I'm sure it was just, uh, business or something. Yeah. Boring NCPD business."  
  
"Right. Yeah, totally."  
  
Sighing, Winn bumps her shoulder with his, and she almost forgets to move with him.  
  
"Anyway. So, you, Maggie, _not_ dating?"  
  
Kara pouts a little. "I... it's complicated."  
  
"Kara. It's always complicated."  
  
"It's different for us, and you know it."  
  
Why? Because you're a S.U.P.E.R. and she's a human?"  
  
She glares at him and he gulps a little.  
  
"Because of... because of Alex."  
  
"Because you're afraid you're only feeling this way because you both miss Alex?"  
  
"No," Kara denies, but she is nodding her head a little. "But, I think Maggie is? I know that my missing Alex is why we started spending time together, but, it-it's completely separate from my actual _feelings_ for her, y'know? I just, I don't think she gets that."  
  
"I mean, hear me out but, how can you be _sure_?" Winn asks, flinching in anticipation.  
  
Kara feels a wave of emotion rise up, part indignation and part desperation.  
  
"Because, I just know, okay? When I look at her, I don't see a replacement for Alex."  
  
"I would hope not, that would be a little weird," Winn says under his breath, and she flicks him (not even a fraction of her strength, but he whines and she knows he will be a little bruised) and glares. "Ow."  
  
"Humans," she mutters, rolling her eyes.  
  
"Humans," Winn agrees ruefully, rubbing his arm. "You love us though."  
  
Another sigh. It feels like all Kara does these days is sigh. "Yeah."  
  
"So, ahem, you, an _enlightened_ Kryptonian, already understand your complicated feelings. And Maggie, a mere human mortal, is still woefully confused?"  
  
"She just, I think she feels guilty. About, about Alex and about me and about us - me and her us."  
  
"Do you... are you afraid she doesn't feel the same?"  
  
The blonde scoffs. "Ch'yeah, right. No, definitely not. She definitely has feelings for me."  
  
"Wow, conceited much?"  
  
Kara meets his eyes, expression firm.  
  
"You should see the way she looks at me. There is no mistaking _that_ , there is no hiding those kinds of feelings. It's not conceited. It's just, the truth."  
  
"How does she look at you?" He asks, voice soft, and she can't help but smile at him.  
  
"Like she sees me. Not my powers, or my body, but something _else_ . Something deeper. I've never had someone look at me like that here. It isn't _sexual_ or _romantic_ \- I mean, with her that's there _too_ \- but, it's just, like _more_." She frowns, trying to think of a way to make Winn understand. "I, humans, you're all wrapped up in your bodies, you base your entire way of life around that. And I get it, because it's important here, but it was _different_ on Krypton."  
  
He looks at her through narrowed eyes, with his 'I am doing my best to understand alien things,' expression. "Different how?"  
  
"I know you think we were a sterile people because we focused our energies on science and technology."  
  
"Okay, seriously? I am like, the _last_ guy who would think that."  
  
She raises an eyebrow at him. "Winn, you and James had me explain our procreative practices to you like 11 times, and asked me why we didn't believe in love."  
  
"In my defense, I just meant romance. I know you and your family loved each other."  
  
"Romance isn't _sex_ , Winn."  
  
"True, but to us lowly humans, it is definitely related."  
  
"Exactly my point! And you just let sex dominate. And romance even, you privilege them over the connection they are supposed to be making between you."  
  
"And what, Maggie is different?"  
  
Kara nods, enthusiastically.  
  
"With her, that _connection_ \- the bond - that's... it's stronger. But, she-" Kara waves a hand around helplessly.  
  
"Is freaking out?"  
  
"Yes! I think... I think she thinks _she_ just replaced Alex with me. She's afraid the connection isn't real."  
  
"So... what you're saying that she loves you, and that she's freaking out because she thinks she what? Made you an Alex-surrogate?"  
  
"Kinda?"  
  
"How do you know she hasn't? She was pretty head over heels over Alex, Kara. They... they were both pretty grossly in love."  
  
Kara closes her eyes and leans her head on Winn's shoulder.  
  
"I know they were. And what they had, it's not replaceable. But, I, I _watched_ her, I _know_ her... I know this is real."  
  
"And you love her?"  
  
She doesn't even hesitate. "Yeah. Yes. I do. But, it-it's still _new_ and fragile and small, and I can't _tell_ her that, y'know? Because, Maggie is amazing and smart but she's also an idiot. She'll just say she was confusing me by taking care of me, or something dumb like that."  
  
Now Winn sighs. "Yeah, that sounds on brand."  
  
Kara burrows her head into the crook of his shoulder. "And I just needed someone to tell. Because it _hurts._  It hurts that I can't talk to her about it, that I know she will try and belittle it and pretend it isn't real."  
  
He shrugs her away for a second, before wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her against him again.  
  
"What will you do?"  
  
Kara's voice comes out like a pained breath. "I don't know. I just know that I would rather pretend it isn't there than lose her. But, I, I don't know if I could keep that up forever. I'm... not great at lying."  
  
"You are the worst at lying, which coming from me is saying something."  
  
The blonde nods against his chest.  
  
"What do I do?"  
  
Contemplating, Winn drags over the plate of managed sticky buns again, sliding it in front of her. She takes one as the silence stretches.  
  
"You think J'onn-"  
  
"No."  
  
"James?"  
  
" _No_ ."  
  
"Right, definitely not." Winn laughs nervously. "I don't know, Kara. I'm sorry, I just don't know..."  
  
She nods again, reaching out to pick at the sticky bun with her fingers.  
  
"Yeah." She pops a shred into her mouth. "Me neither."

“Kara do… do you _want_ that other stuff - the uh, romance and the _sex_? Or just the ‘bond?’”

“I… I don’t _know_. I mean, I’m just wrapping my head about the one thing and, the other stuff complicates things so much for humans.”

“And _you_ ,” Winn chides, not here for her little blips of superiority and otherness.

“Yeah, and _me._  I just know, I want her back. I want her _around_ again.”

“Kara, I am gonna say this, and it is important that you hear me, okay?”

She pulls back, looking at him with a small, concerned frown. “O-kay?”

He takes her hand gently in his (she can barely feel it at all, almost like a butterfly landed there) and holds her gaze.

“For you, maybe you can separate the need for this kind of love from sex and all the mushy stuff, but us humans, we _can’t._ ” He can see that she is about to protest, so he holds up his free hand for silence, and she reluctantly closes her mouth. “You’ve already admitted that those things are _there,_  okay, that they are _involved._  For us, that's important. Before you even think too hard about bringing this up with Maggie - _which you will at some point,_ because you are the worst at secrets and keeping things to an inner monologue - you need to figure out for _yourself_ if you are okay with having the messy stuff with her. I know you are feeling guilt about that, because of Alex and what they were to each other. Don’t think I can’t tell.”

She looks down, dismayed that there is no more sticky bun to toy with.

“I, it seems like that could be stepping into something that was theirs? I know what we’re feeling is real, but _that,_  I don’t want to _replace_ her.”

“God I can’t believe I’m having this talk with you, but, if Maggie having feelings for you doesn’t replace her, then the other stuff wouldn’t either. But, this is one of the times where you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t expect her to give you that _connection_ and then not meet her needs too. Especially because it's not as if you don't have romantic and, uh, physical attraction. You do. For her, clearly. And if you can’t give her the whole package, then you can’t ask her to give you her love like that. It’s not fair. And if she’s _in love_ with you -” Kara flinches at that, and he squeezes her hand in reassurance. “If she is in love with you, eventually she is going to give in and go for it. Because, yes, nobody can resist you, blah blah blah, but also because Maggie Sawyer is that kind of person. She’ll take no for an answer and back off, but she’ll definitely go full on Gryffindor first.”

“Those are the blonde ones from Game of Thrones, right?” Kara asks, deflecting a little but also hoping to see Winn’s face fall in exasperation.

“Damn it, I know you watch Game of Thrones so, that’s, what are you even… oh my god you are messing with me and I hate you so much right now!” He shakes his head.

She laughs a little, it’s small and wobbly but real, and nods.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay, you’re right. I need to… I need to figure that out, I guess. I just, hate that this is so complicated.”

“Way more than you though when you started talking, huh?”

Kara is sure no one has ever sighed as much as she is right now. “Way more complicated.”

They sit in silence for a while, until Winn gets a text from James about asking Kara if she could maybe please bring him a coffee because he is in another meeting with Snapper and his brain is melting.

“Ha! Why didn’t he text me?”

Winn shrugs. “I told him I was meeting you and he said he wouldn’t bother you? I dunno, he’s a weirdo.”

“ _You’re_ a weirdo.”

Winn grins. “Also true.”

Holding out his arms, he shrugs. Kara moves in and hugs him.

“Good talk?” he asks.

“Yeah. Good talk. I… have a lot to think about.”

“Keep me updated?” he asks, tossing a few bills on the table.

“You sure?”

He rolls his eyes at her, pointing with one hand in a ‘can you believe this lady’ sort of gesture.

“Uh, clearly. Am I _not_ your best friend?”

She grins, emotionally worn out but glad they had spoken. “Yeah, I guess.”

“You _guess_?!”

Chuckling, she stands and ruffles his hair.

“I love you, Winn.”

“Love you too, Kara. In a totally-platonic-because-we’re-best-friends-and-I-have-a-girlfriend-now kinda way.”

She leans over and lays a kiss on his cheek.

“You’re the best.”

“I really, _really_ am,” he agrees.

She moves away and motions to the barista at the counter, so she can pay and order James’ coffee.

She has some thinking to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: It was pointed out to me that it wasn't clear that Winn's advice reguarding sex, consent, and what someone "owes" a partner is unhealthy. That is completley my bad. To be clear, no one owes anyone sex - ever. You don't trade sex for love - that is not a thing. I zero percent advocate that, and I did not mean to imply that I did through Winn. He is confused. Not a bad person, but wrong on that one for sure.
> 
> I was linked to a tumblr post written by a lovely ace person discussing some of the dangers of this ideology. I am sharing the link with you.
> 
> http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/68614066770/asexuality-and-consent-issues
> 
> Next chapter:
> 
> Maggie does some talking and some thinking, and some apologizing. Guest appearances by James, J'onn, and Vasquez once again.
> 
> Any questions, feel free to drop them in the comments.


	4. Maggie II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sobering up is easy enough for Maggie. She's always enjoyed drinking, but the last few weeks notwithstanding it has never been her way of choice for self destruction (she prefers pretty women for that, and that habit is going to be harder to break).
> 
> Digging herself out of the hole she's tripped down, though, that's a lot trickier.
> 
> ****
> 
> Maggie makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN 1: See first chapter for disclaimers.
> 
> AN 2: A lot less James and J'onn than I first intended this chapter. Sorry about that?
> 
> AN 3: Vasquez took over here. She had some things to say. Also hugs to give. Because Vasquez is the actual best. (Suddenly want to write fic about her...)
> 
> AN 4: Maggie needs a support system. So bad...

The dream is rarely if ever the same in the details, but always identical in the outcome.  
  
It goes like this:  
  
She and Alex are happy.  
  
(Sometimes they are making breakfast, sometimes getting married. One time they were at their baby shower - that time had been a little too much for Maggie, who vomited as soon as she woke up, and couldn't go outside for a whole day for fear of running into people walking around with their children and losing control.)  
  
She kills Alex.  
  
(Always close and intimate - sometimes with a knife, sometimes by bludgeoning her, once by strangling her.)  
  
She kills Kara.  
  
(Kara, who always comes to her trusting, never suspecting what Maggie has done. Somehow Maggie can hurt the girl who can take bullets and throw cars.)  
  
She tries to kill herself, but finds she is invulnerable.  
  
(Always.)  
  
Maggie supposes it is some sort of psychological expression of her guilt - that her subconscious is having it out at night for causing Alex's death, and for hurting Kara. She won't bring herself to examine them too closely though, always distracting herself instead.  
  
She's given up drinking now, though.

Sobering up is easy enough for Maggie. She's always enjoyed drinking, but the last few weeks notwithstanding, it has never been her way of choice for self destruction (she prefers pretty women for that, and _that_ habit is going to be harder to break).  
  
Digging herself out of the hole she's tripped down, though, that's a lot trickier.

  
  
"I told you the conditions of your reinstatement, Sawyer. I wasn't making idle conversation," the Captain says, not bothering to look up from the papers on his desk.  
  
Maggie wilts, doing her best to keep from appearing like the door jam is holding her up (it is).  
  
"Captain, look I-"  
  
"In a wild turn of events, I don't want to hear it. You're lucky Peterson let that go as quick as he did. Now, if you come back here without an appointment with the grief counsellor, I'll make sure you never get your badge back."  
  
Maggie looks like she's been slapped, she's sure of it.  
  
Emotion blocks her throat - now that she is able to cry again, there is a real fear of doing it in public.  
  
All she can do is nod, and turns to go.  
  
Her superior officer continues in a quieter tone. "It would be a real shame. You're one of my best, Maggie, and I'd hate to lose you."  
  
She nods again, unable to turn back.  
  
  
She wanders the streets for a while after that, before ending up at Noonan's. She doesn't much think about it, just slips in and takes the booth furthest from the door, back to the wall.  
  
She orders espresso - as thick and hot as they'll make it - and settles in to mindlessly watch strangers go about their lives. Taking in the people going through the motions of their daily routines is a bit like a mission-less stakeout, and it eases her frantic energy a little.  
  
She doesn't really notice Kara walk in at first. Or rather, she notices (of _course_ she notices, it's _Kara_ ) but it doesn't register as something she should be worried about.  
  
She almost calls out to her, when she sees the younger woman tense, ear turning towards Maggie's direction, and she suddenly remembers that they aren't speaking right now. (That _she,_  herself put a pause on the comfortable closeness they had shared.)  
  
She knows Kara knows that she's there. Knows Kara can pick her heart beat out of millions, from miles away. She aches deep in her chest, and her hands shake. (She could really use a drink, but only because she knows random hook ups would be the worst possible idea right now.)  
  
Kara, forever the hero, leans over the coffee bar and strikes up a enthusiastic conversation with the barista. It gives Maggie enough time to slam her espresso like a shot and wind her way out of the restaurant.  
  
(She can't help but reach out and touch Kara's hand as she passes by, and the small squeeze she receives in return will sustain her through the next few rough days.)  
  
Once she's on the street, she takes a few deep breaths, running a trembling hand through her hair. She wants to go do something stupid - she wants to hurt in her body like she does in her heart.  
  
Using the last of her mental strength, she pulls her phone out of her pocket (almost dropping it twice, her fingers are shaking so bad) and calls a recent number.  
  
The call is answered on the third ring.  
  
"Henshaw."  
  
Maggie is struck dumb, barely able to force wheezing breaths out of her throat. The world is closing in, sounds loud and overwhelming.  
  
"Okay. Can you make it to the D.E.O.?" J'onn asks, voice softening, sounding something like he does when he talks to Alex after a hard mission. Talked to. Like when he _talked to_ Alex.  
  
Shit.  
  
She should be better than this. She hates herself for being a mess.  
  
"Y-yeah?" She manages, though it sounds more like a question.  
  
"Come into the National City facility. Be here within an hour." His tone leaves no room for argument.  
  
"Okay." She takes another deep breath, world coming back into focus minutely now that she has orders to fulfill. "Okay. Uh, thanks."  
  
There is a pause over the line, then, "no problem," and he hangs up.  
  
Maggie appreciates that he isn't coddling her.

She looks over her shoulder as she begins to walk. Kara is studiously looking away from the glass, staring at the opposite wall, waiting for her order to be filled.  
  
  
When Maggie arrives at the D.E.O. J'onn is in a briefing. Vasquez motions her over, then turns and moves towards one of the halls.  
  
She leads Maggie through a bit of a labyrinth (familiar but distant, because she has been carefully blocking this place from her memories), into one of the smaller, quiet downtime spaces.  
  
There's a couch and a fridge, a microwave and some cabinets, and an honest to god water cooler (the kind that hooks directly into the pipes).  
  
Vasquez moves over to the cabinets, pulling out a pair of mugs - navy blue with D.E.O. embossed in gold right on the side, much nicer looking than the sad offerings at the NCPD - and sets them on the counter. Opening a drawer, she pulls out a tin and a little baggie of empty tea bags.  
  
"Caffeine or no caffeine?" She asks, not turning around but searching through another drawer for a spoon.  
  
Maggie notes she is not given the choice to turn down the tea. It's good, because she can't really handle too many options right now. (She can tell the other woman understands that.)  
  
"Caffeine, always," the detective answers, going for light but the hoarseness of her voice making her sound more desperate than anything.  
  
She clears her throat and leans against the doorway.  
  
"Figures," the short haired woman says, nodding to herself.  
  
They are both silent as Vasquez goes about making their tea. It's soothing, a little hypnotic even, the ceremony of it. It lulls Maggie into a bit of a fugue state (or maybe that's the exhaustion).  
  
A steaming, perfectly steeped cup being pushed into her hands snaps Maggie out of it.  
  
"Not as bitter as coffee, but maybe better for your nerves," Vasquez says softly.  
  
Maggie nods in thanks and holds the cup between both hands. It is thick enough ceramic where the warmth only _just_ seeps through.  
  
"They send you to babysit me?" She asks, raising an eyebrow but not quite able to meet the other woman's eyes.  
  
"They don't pay me enough to babysit you," Susan sasses, earning a small smirk. "The director is worried."  
  
"He should be," Maggie says honestly, still not looking up. "But, not about me. I just needed... I'm not going to do anything _stupid_. I just panicked a little."  
  
Maggie takes a mouthful of her tea, scalding her tongue a little. Even as she winces, she revels in the pain.  
  
"Needed a place to go that was quiet, but distracting?" The agent agrees, leaning against the wall next to the detective and taking a more careful sip of her own tea.  
  
"Yeah... I just needed to break the feedback loop."  
  
Susan nods, sighing into her cup.  
  
"I respect you, detective. You're brave, and smart, and you play a mean game of darts."  
  
"Right back at'cha, Vasquez. Only person besides the Danvers girls that has given me a run for my money." Maggie smiles; the memories are fond, if bittersweet.  
  
She finds that sometimes she can think of Alex and she isn't immediately overwhelmed with debilitating sadness. She thinks that this may be progress.  
  
"Agent Danvers, she could be remarkably obtuse about certain things, but she was mostly the sharpest person I've ever known. She saw something special in you."  
  
A tightness grips Maggie's chest - maybe not so much progress has been made - but she nods through it.  
  
"Prove her right."  
  
Maggie feels like she's been punched. She wants to quip, brush it off with a, ' _damn Vasquez, you don't shoot to stun_ ,' but all she manages is a quiet, "how?"  
  
Susan turns to face her, taking another sip of tea.  
  
"Do you know why I run the Con?"  
  
"Probably because you're a genius? An _asshole_ , apparently, but a genius," the detective replies, chuckling awkwardly.  
  
"I lost someone, detective. Someone I cared about." Vasquez pauses, frowning softly. "Not a lover, but, my partner. We were both Army - recruited together after an incident with _foreign nationals_. We came up together here, training and placement, all of it."

 There is an old, dull hurt in the agent's voice, the emotional equivalent of a bone aching long after the break is healed.  
  
"We were an amazing team out there. 89% success rate. They called us Seek and Destroy..."  
  
She goes quiet for a moment, and Maggie can't stand the pain radiating off her. The detective can't figure a way to distract, so she opts to try and encourage the agent to keep going.  
  
She turns a little too, touching the back of the other woman's occupied hand with her free one. "What happened?"  
  
Susan clears her throat and gives a little shake of her head, carefully getting herself under control.  
  
"Three years ago, Valentina - my partner - she died saving my life." A deep, centering breath. "It was... brutal. We were separated, and I was cornered. Six of them, two Valeronians and four lesser Anunnake. I barely made it out alive, and she... she came for me and they tore her apart. If J'onn hadn't come..." A dry chuckle. "They had to shoot her in the head keep her from setting off a grenade, though. Val, she was tough."  
  
"Jesus," Maggie breathes, reaching up with her free hand and squeezing Susan's shoulder.  
  
"After, when I was physically cleared... my first mission back, I choked. Someone else got hurt. Nothing permanent, but, I couldn't shake it." The agent smiles ruefully, free hand coming up to rest on Maggie's. "I was ready to quit - already basically completed the process. I was on my way to submit the final paperwork, when I passed Command. There was an Op running. An ambush, like that happened to Val and I. Alex, she was out there, basically alone. Surrounded, trying to find a clear path out of a hostile facility and the Con officer was panicking. I just, I reacted. I couldn't let that happen to her. Knocked the guy aside and took over." Vasquez shrugs, dispelling the rest of the air in her lungs.  
  
"The rest's history, huh?"  
  
Susan snorts. "Well, it also helps that I _am_ technically a genius on all measurable scales, but yeah, history. I, it's easier for me to see the bigger picture, to multitask. I used to love going into the field, but... I had to adapt. It took, it took a _long_ time. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you I am cutting the story short."  
  
Maggie wishes she could be annoyed at this blatant pep talk, but as far as she could tell Vasquez is being sincere - _vulnerable_ \- with her.  
  
"So what, you're saying I'll never be able to be who I was? That I have to change everything - my entire life?"  
  
Vasquez's smile is a mix of sadness and fondness, with just a hint of pity. Anyone else and Maggie might flatten them, but the woman in front of her is still looking at her with all her raw memories ringing in her ears.  
  
"Of course you'll never be who you were. No amount of righteous indignation or bullheadedness will change the fact that there was a part of you that died with her. You know that. And, you wouldn't want things to go back to how they were before her anyway."  
  
Maggie loathes that Vasquez is right. She would _hate_ it if she could just forget Alex like that.  
  
"So what, I have to quit my job? Find something else to do to get right?"  
  
"If only it were that easy, detective." Susan invades her personal space, and Maggie is annoyed that the other woman is _just_  that much taller than her. "You need to stop torturing yourself. Not just for you, but for the people you care about - the people who care about _you_. It's not your fault Alex is dead."  
  
"Fuck you," Maggie growls, at her limit. She tries to slip away, but Vasquez pins her in place with a hand on her chest. " _Hell_ outta my way, agent."  
  
"The Kryptonian killed her. _He_ snapped her neck, not you."  
  
"If you think I won't knock you on your ass just because you're D.E.O., you have another thing coming." Maggie's voice is low and dangerous.  
  
When Vasquez declines to move, Maggie drops her cup, preparing to take her down.  
  
Susan moves like lightning, spinning Maggie and putting her in a hold, pushing her body up and against the wall so she has no leverage.  
  
"Get the _fuck_ off me!"  
  
The detective struggles, managing to catch the other woman in the shin with the heel of her boot.

 Vasquez grunts in pain but doesn't let go.  
  
"Do you blame Kara too? Is it _her_ fault for not being strong enough - fast enough?"  
  
"No." Maggie denies, but even to her own ears her voice sounds unsure.  
  
"You're only human - _she’s_ Kryptonian. She's _better_ than you. And she didn't save Alex." Susan's voice is brutal, unyielding as her hold.  
  
"No..."  
  
Maggie feels it, the panic welling up. She tries to force it back down, holds her breath, but it won't recede.  
  
"She's Supergirl - a _hero_ . Her _job_ is to save people. And yet, her own sister..."  
  
Maggie is panting, tears running freely down her face. She is no longer struggling, but limp in the agent's arms.  
  
Susan pulls her away from the wall and she collapses, taking them both clumsily to the ground. The spilled tea soaks into their pants.  
  
"She was saving _me_.” Maggie whispers, so angry and confused. She shivers, cold on the inside. “Why? Why did she _do_ that?"  
  
"The part I skipped over in my story?" Susan murmurs in her ear, practically pulling her into her lap. "It was _this_ part."  
  
"Why did she leave Alex alone?" Maggie begs, hands coming up to cover her face.  
  
"Agent Danvers sent her to save you."  
  
"Why?! I was okay. I coulda gotten away..."  
  
"I was on the Con, detective. You would have died."  
  
"Better me than _her_!"  
  
"She wouldn't agree."  
  
"That's such _bullshit_!"  
  
Vasquez eases Maggie around so that they face each other, but keeps her in the embrace. "So you think she wanted to die, then?"  
  
Maggie is stunned. "What? No! O-of course not." Of this, Maggie is sure.  
  
"She wasn't trading her life for yours - though she would have in a heartbeat. She was saving your life. She expected to come home with you - she fought hard to do it. And the _only_ person responsible for her death was the man who you killed." Susan pauses, looking meaningfully into Maggie's eyes. "You killed her killer. You destroyed the reason she is gone. You will _never_ be able to bring her back, but that guilt you carry - it's already been paid off. Let it go, because she did not die so you could wither away like this."  
  
"I don't know how..."  
  
"It takes a lot of time, but, the process can't start without you making that choice."  
  
"I-I don't know if I..." The words catch in Maggie's throat; she can't say them, they feel like a strange sort of betrayal.  
  
"If you want to? I know. But what would Alex want for you?"  
  
Maggie closes her eyes, so exhausted and horribly, deeply sad.  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"The guilt is not going to keep her with you. It will drive her away, because you won't be able to think about her without the pain. Making the choice to let go won't fix the problem, but it's the start."  
  
"I thought I had. Made the choice I mean. But, I'm just _flailing_ in the dark. Where do I go from here? What do I _do_?"  
  
Susan smiles at her, wipes away some of the tears on her face.  
  
"You're not going to like it."  
  
Maggie's laughter is wet and snotty. "I don't like _this_ either. I... I'm so _tired_ of being _this._ "  
  
"You can't hold this inside. You need to let it out."  
  
"You sound like my Captain."  
  
Vasquez huffs. "I'll take that as a compliment."  
  
They are silent for a time. Just long enough for Maggie to realize Vasquez hasn't let her go. It should feel uncomfortable, like an invasion of her space, bit it doesn't.  
  
Still, she pulls back. _Enough Sawyer, you’re a goddamn mess_ .  
  
"I can't talk to a regular grief counsellor about this stuff. I kinda signed an NDA with you guys."  
  
"If you agree to, we have in-house personnel. They have the credentials to fulfill the requirements of your reinstatement."  
  
Another laugh. "What, you psychic now too Agent Vasquez?"  
  
Vasquez stands, offering a hand, which Maggie takes. The agent doesn't let go right away, like she understands that Maggie went from constant physical contact to almost none and is desperately touch starved.  
  
"Doesn't take genius _or_ a psychic, Detective Sawyer."  
  
With a nod, Maggie reluctantly pulls away, shoving her hands in her pockets so she doesn't reach out again.  
  
"Sorry about the tea. And, uh, your leg," she says, because she is.  
  
"It's okay. The leg's prosthetic, and you can always make me another cup."  
  
Maggie's eyebrows shoot up to her hairline.  
  
"Shit, I'm sorry."  
  
Vasquez shrugs nonchalantly, but swallows hard. "You didn't know."

They clean the tea up quickly, but Vasquez stops Maggie from making her another.  
  
"Some other time, detective," she says, smiling a small, crooked smile. "Right now, you have paperwork to fill out."  
  
Maggie wants to say something clever, something like ' _you certainly move fast,'_  but she is too grateful for jokes, so she hugs Susan again - briefly but fully.  
  
J'onn is waiting for her in Command, face unreadable. They nod to each other and he offers the barest upturn of his mouth.

 

When Maggie gets home, she strips on the way to the bathroom and climbs into the tub.  
  
Turning on the water to something just shy of boiling lava-hot, she lets it run over her body, scaling her head and shoulders, her ears and lips and nose, forcing her to close her eyes.  
  
She watches the sun track across the ceiling, only moving to use soap when it's dim enough in the bathroom that she has to squint to see across the bathtub. (She thanks all the gods on all the planets that she lives in a building with two water heaters - it's a luxury she pays an extra $50 a month for, but it was so worth it.)  
  
When she gets out of the shower, clean and tender skinned, her phone is flashing at her - missed call.  
  
It's from James. She'd just missed it by two minutes.  
  
There's a voicemail, which she puts on speaker as she dries her hair and decides whether or not she wants to put on clothes or just lounge around in her robe.  
  
"Mags? It's me - I just-" the sound of running. "I know you're not on active duty right now, but I could _really_  use your help."  
  
_Seriously, did_ everyone _know_ ?  
  
"If you get this, I've got Intergang on my tail - Guardian's tail. South side, the docks. It's-" shots fired, pinging nearby. "Damnit!" The sound of jumping, and James hits something hard and grunts. "Kara's not answering her phone and I-"  
  
The sound of metal meeting metal, and the call disconnects.  
  
"Shit," Maggie hisses, jumping into action.  
  
She's dressed in less than three minutes. She calls James back and gets no answer.

  
  
It takes her a little over ten minutes by car to hit the docs. She hears the sounds of fighting right away, but can't pinpoint the origin - the water and the empty buildings work together to create an echo chamber, disorienting her.  
  
Pulling the small gun out of her back pocket (Alex's gun, a D.E.O. issued energy weapon that Maggie knows she should have turned in but couldn't bring herself to), Maggie exits the car. She is immediately greeted with weapons fire, glancing off the ground near her and blowing the mirror off the door of her vehicle.  
  
"Fuck," she mutters, ducking and rolling to get cover around the car.  
  
Her mind goes blank, goes into what Alex would call Game Time mode, and she lets instinct take over.  
  
Taking a deep breath, she looks towards the direction the attack came from and takes aim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next:
> 
> Kara comes to the rescue. Or, does she?
> 
> More SpaceDad if I can find a way...


	5. Kara III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's itching to go in, to use up some of the doubt and anger and grief in the form of punches, but she made a promise to try and be part of the team...
> 
> "Okay," she agrees. "I’ll wait as long as I can for them to get here."
> 
> ****
> 
> Kara begins her training. It's put to the test right away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN 1: See first chapter for disclaimers.
> 
> AN 2: I gave myself Maggie/Vasquez feels last chapter. There were some strong Kara/Vasquez moments in this one that I cut down. I am trying my best to keep my poly-tendencies out if this one, thank you for your patience!
> 
> AN 3: Needed a bit of action/plot to give a break from the heavy feels and also to ground this. Hope y'all dig it.

Starting the day with a full hour of D.E.O. drills is the closest Kara has ever come to a case of the Mondays in her life.  
  
She knows that in a very real way, she skipped over a lot of the important 'character building' steps most agents had to go through, but since the D.E.O. doesn't actually pay her for her time, she has never felt guilty about it.  
  
Vasquez is relentless with her, and the kryptonite levels are high enough that she can't even fly (though she is still physically far stronger and faster than humans). She thinks it isn't really fair, because kryptonite gives her a wicked headache and makes her sick to her stomach, but Susan doesn't even entertain the idea of turning it down.  
  
By the time they are done - at 0730 sharp, so she has enough time to be ready for work - Kara is shaking with exhaustion, barely able to stand straight.  
  
"Alex never put me through this," she says, eyes barely open, concentrating on keeping upright and not embarrassing herself. "How do you _do_ this constantly?"  
  
"Don't feel bad, ma'am. The first day is always a shock to the system. Not the _hardest_ \- that's day five - but certainly the most eye opening."  
  
"But, like, you guys went through six months of this. _Seven hours a day_ ! How?? This is actual torture."  
  
"Pride mixed with unwavering stubbornness. You've lived among humans for half of your life, you should know that by now." Susan shrugs. "Computer, disengage kryptonite."  
  
Immediately the sick feeling in Kara's stomach lifts, the burning in her eyes and at the back of her throat eases.  
  
"Whew!"  
  
Vasquez chuckles, stretching her arm across her chest lazily.  
  
"Meet back here after work - no later than 6pm."  
  
Kara gives her the biggest sad-puppy eyes she has ever managed, and only half on purpose.  
  
"Shouldn't you be off duty by then? I, I'm pretty sure you will be. Seems rude to make you stay after your shift..." she reaches up to fiddle with glasses that aren't there.  
  
Vasquez grin is not reassuring. "The consolatory OT is worth it, trust me." Her face settles into a more neutral - though friendly - expression. "Part of what makes agents work together _efficiently_ is the shared experience of the training. It's as important to ingrain the standard practices into your mind, to make yourself a part of the well running whole, as to be super strong and quick and have your powers."  
  
Kara resists the urge to scuff her boot at the floor. "What about all the times my thinking _outside_ the box saved us? Or saved an off-worlder?"  
  
Vasquez raises an eyebrow but nods easily.  
  
"I'm sure you, better than anyone, is familiar with the idea of learning all the rules, so that breaking them can be done effectively."  
  
Kara frowns now, crossing her arms over her chest a little defensively, aware that their semi-philosophical conversation will take away from her time to get ready for work. There is a weird feeling growing in her, though, a painful irritation like when the shell of popcorn gets caught in her throat (which, much to her annoyance, was something that happened to even superpowered people).  
  
The agent reaches forward, lightly resting a hand on Kara's shoulder. "There is sense in habituating yourself - training your muscles - to work in ways that are second nature to the rest of whatever team you are on. You will always function differently than we do, even when you are depowered you are different, but understanding what tools your team are more likely to use..."  
  
Kara nods, then looks down as she bites her lip. She considers doing it as hard as she can for a moment. Of using the pain to keep the words she feels bubbling up from escaping. Ultimately it isn't in her, though, no matter how much she wants to. Hurting herself on purpose does not come naturally, even though sometimes it seems like it might make her feel better. She just... can't.  
  
"Do you... do you think Alex would be alive if I had full the training?"

Kara can't bring herself to look at her friend, but she can't ignore her heightened senses (she's a little too raw to be in complete control right now). She hears the slight acceleration of Susan's heartbeat, hears the infinitesimal catch in her breathing and involuntary exhalation.  
  
The hand at her shoulder squeezes as hard as Kara knows is possible for a human to manage. It grounds her a little, makes her pay attention. (She hopes the smaller woman isn't hurting herself doing it, but she can't quite bring herself to insist that she stop.)  
  
"No," Susan says, quiet but firm. She shakes her hand a little, until Kara meets her steady gaze. There is absolutely zero doubt in her warm, brown eyes. "No."  
  
Kara tries to look down again, but Susan won't let her, chasing her eyes with her own.  
  
"How can you be sure?"  
  
"I've been at the D.E.O. for a long time. Longer than most. They got me fresh from the Army, one tour in. I've seen a lot of ops - good and bad. I analyze mission data on my spare time." Kara gives her a look, and she lets out a little 'heh' and lets her go. "It's a hobby I took up three years ago, while recovering from... a bad set of injuries."  
  
"Was that when..." Kara scratches at her nose, unsure of how to ask what she is asking. “Your partner…?”  
  
Susan takes pity, crossing her arms over her chest and nodding.  
  
"Agent Danvers told you?" She asks, not put out at all.  
  
Still, Kara rushes to reassure.  
  
"Not, uh, the _whole_ story, you know. Just, the first time you came to game night you seemed sad, and I... after, I asked and she just said it was the anniversary of your partner's death. That you had been badly hurt, and that she, uh, she _died_."  
  
Susan nods again.  
  
"She died saving me," she confirms, holding up a hand to stop any sympathetic words Kara might have. "I drove myself crazy with wondering what I could have done - with blaming myself for not being _stronger, faster, smarter_. But, after... almost a year of torturing myself about it, I had to accept what the evidence was telling me. It was her, or me. There was no way _both_ of us got to walk out of there. And, more importantly, I had _no_ way of effecting that. I know what I would have chosen - Val, she would be here if I had the choice - but it wasn't mine to make."  
  
Kara does look down again.  
  
"Was... was it a choice between Maggie and Alex? Did I, was I-" she shudders, hugging her arms around herself. "Did I make that choice."  
  
She expects Susan to hug her then, to give her reassuring platitudes and maybe coddle her a bit. It's what people have always done, going back to her own parents. (The only two people who ever treated her different were Aunt Astra and Alex, and they are both gone.)  
  
Instead, though, Susan straightens her stance, coming to almost ridge attention. "You tell me."  
  
Surprised, Kara looks up, meets the smaller woman's eyes again.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
The agent lifts her chin and blinks, slow and deliberate.  
  
"You. Tell. Me."  
  
"I-I don't know. I-"  
  
"Look at the data. Read the logs. I know for a fact you're a mathematical genius, ma'am. Run the numbers. Then, when you've examined all the factors, you can tell me your conclusion." Vasquez moves forward, going for the door. She pauses as she lines up alongside Kara, not looking at her. "You have lost more than anyone should ever lose - and you've managed to stay sane. Optimistic even. I am constantly awed by that more than any show of physical strength.”  
  
"It was Alex..." Kara whispers, but the agent shakes her head.  
  
"Alex gave you the space and security to process and heal as much as you could. But you are the one who did the work." Susan wavers a little, sighing. "No one can take her place, I know you know that, _but,_ you have people who care about you. J'onn, Winn and James, _Maggie._.. me too, if you want. It will be hard, but, you'll be able to pick yourself up again. You have the kind of strength that counts."  
  
Kara is raw and wrecked but hopeful all at once. Tears spring to her eyes, and she wants desperately to hug the other woman, but doesn't trust herself not to accidentally hurt her right now.

"Thank you..."

Susan continues to the door.  
  
"No need to thank me, ma'am. I haven't done anything."  
  
Then she's gone.  
  
  
As much as she wishes she could, Kara doesn't dawdle. She flies home and is showered and changed with enough time to spare for a quick sticky bun run.  
  
She manages to make it to work on time, even manages to get through most of the business day without having to duck out.  
  
Just as 4pm rolls around, Kara hears a chain of explosions go off - far enough away that no one else can hear them, but close enough that she knows it'll hit the news in a matter of minutes.  
  
She's changed and gone in seconds, rocketing towards the source of the detonations as fast as possible.

It's chaos at the Municipal bank, cars strewn about like toys, smoke billowing out of a huge hole in the side of the building. There is a blockade of NCPD vehicles cordoning off the area. (Kara looks around, panicking for a moment before remembering that Maggie isn't here because she is on suspension and breathing a sigh of relief.)  
  
"Supergirl!" One of the officers on site acknowledges, waving her over.  
  
She lands gracefully beside him, crossing her arms over her chest and attempting to see through the wall. The walls are lined with lead in places, making it near impossible to see anything except the occasional vague movement. "What's happening here?"  
  
"Bank robbery - five or six suspects, based on the closed caption feed before they cut the cameras. The ones we saw were human, as far as we can tell, but they had some weird high powered weapons." The man scratches at the side of his cheek, worrying the blue shadow of stubble there. "Apparently that hole was a single shot from one of those things. Never heard'a anything like it."  
  
"Do you have any idea who they are or what they want?"  
  
He shakes his head.  
  
"Too loud to want money - they didn't even try to stop anyone from calling the cops, and they didn't take hostages... My guess, they are waitin' on _you_."  
  
Supergirl sighs and nods. "Okay. Thank you officer."  
  
Most of her Supergirl duties don't run through the D.E.O. but, she promised J'onn that she won't go off and do things this big alone, not when there is a chance it could turn into something that _is_ D.E.O. business...  
She turns and activates her D.E.O. inner-ear communicator.  
  
"Go ahead, Supergirl," J'onn - Hank - answers.  
  
"Situation at the Municipal Bank downtown."  
  
"Already monitoring it," he assures, then she hears him let out an annoyed little grunt. "You left your phone in your civilian clothes again."  
  
"Crap," she mutters, squinting harder at the building, trying to see beyond the lead.  
  
"Something to work on," is as close to an 'it's alright slugger' as he will ever get. "Anything you can tell me?"  
  
Closing her eyes and focusing on her hearing, Supergirl zeros in on the building.  
  
"The alarm is going off inside - fire alarm and... there are six of them. They're speaking English, but accented... I can't tell for sure, but one of them, the voice sounds too _rough_ to be human."  
  
"Can you make out what they are saying?"  
  
"The vault - the deposit boxes. They, they don't want money, they want something _else._ "  
  
"I have a containment team on the way. ETA five minutes. Wait for them, Supergirl."  
  
She's itching to go in, to use up some of the doubt and anger and grief in the form of punches, but she made a promise to try and be part of the team...  
  
"Okay," she agrees. "I’ll wait as long as I can for them to get here."  
  
"Copy."  
  
It's a moot point though, because seconds later she hears the robbers punching through the floor into the sewers. She knows if she waits, they'll be gone.  
  
The inside of the banks is hazy with smoke from various fires and dust from walls that have been pulverized. There are more giant holes everywhere, like someone took a giant cookie cutter and stamped them out.  
  
She hears them by the vault room, the last of them dragging things to their escape tunnel.  
  
She's on them in seconds.  
  
"Stop! Put down the boxes and put your hands up!"

There are two of them, one appearing human except with thicker, longer arms and legs - like maybe they walk more comfortably on all fours - and the other not even close, with gray, stone-like skin and three large black eyes that form a triangle on their face.

They are wearing variations on a familiar uniform - Intergang - though she's never encountered the group they belong to person - only heard about them from Kal-El and James. They're more of a Gotham and Metropolis problem.  
  
She doesn't even get a chance to say her standard line about doing the right thing and giving up, before they are moving into defensive positions.  
  
"She's quicker than they say," the more human looking criminal says. "Quicker than _him_ ."  
  
"Krsh hr," the Stone Man says, voice like tectonic plates rubbing together.  
  
They both raise their weapons at once, large cylindrical batons that hum and glow at the tip.  
  
They fire and she raises her arms to defuse the energy, and is hit by what feels like an asteroid barrelling at the speed of light.

She is smashed backwards through multiple walls, feels them shatter and crunch against her back and head.

(It hurts - it hurts a lot. Because her sense of touch - like all her other senses - is heightened. Her skin is sensitive, like an infant, her nerves alive and hyperactive and feeding her brain information about the damage that is repaired almost as fast as it happens. It isn’t that she can’t get hurt, it’s that she heals so quickly it may as well not have happened. It’s a secret only a few people know - just J’onn and Eliza now.)

Something’s wrong. Her arms feel heavy, and she can’t seem to move her fingers.

Groaning, Supergirl struggles to sit up without her arms.

J’onn is yelling in her ear, but the ringing in them hasn’t quite yet cleared up enough for her to make him out.

She coughs, spitting dust out. “They have some sort of we-weapon. Concussion power. I… I think it may have hurt me.”

The yelling stops abruptly.

“...coming in… hold on…” she managed to make out over the sounds of her ears repairing themselves.

By the time the team reaches her, she’s managed to make it to her feet. She feels shaky, sweat beading on her temples and upper lip from the pain now radiating up her arms. She is healing, still much more quickly than a human, but at an agonizingly slow pace for her.

“Status report.”

“They escaped… Recognized the uniforms… Intergang?”

“Copy that,” the team leader - Agent Parker - replies, moving closer so that he can look into her eyes. “Do you need an escort out?”

She wants to go with them - wants to make sure nothing happens to them down there, but… she knows if she does as is, she is a liability. If she can get to sunlight, she’ll be back in the game. It’s still light out. She has time.

Supergirl shakes her head, coughing a little. “I’m fine.”

He nods once, trusting her, and turns to his team.

“Intergang, subterranean pursuit. Possible Boom tubes. Delta formation. Move out.”

Without a look back at her, the five agent team descends into the underground.

Stumbling, struggling not to trip over rubble, Supergirl makes her way outside. The sunlight surrounds her like an embrace, warming the strange numb-cold feeling in her arms and taking away the horrible sick feeling in her stomach. A tension she didn’t realize she was carrying crumbles away, and her body uncurls.

“Supergirl?” J’onn’s voice comes through the comm, loud and clear.

“I should be okay in a minute. I’ll catch up to them before they intercept-”

“Belay that. There’s been another attack. It’s Guardian. We lost contact.”

The cold is back suddenly, completely enveloping her body. Her lungs are like ice, frozen, unable to draw breath.

“Wh-where?” she manages to whisper, the effort almost more than a superpowered person can manage.

_Not James. She can’t lose him too._

“The docks. We have him on the gps but, comms cut out five minutes ago.”

She swallows, somehow manages to get enough air in her to ask, “but, the team?”

“Three backup teams are en route - travelling underground and set to converge on the fugitives.” He pauses, like he knows what she is thinking. “This is _my_ call, Supergirl. Go.”

She doesn’t have to be told twice.

 

Nine heartbeats - she can make them all out clear as day as she lands. James, his heartbeat is slow and steady, unusual for someone under attack. And, there’s something else...

She recognizes Maggie’s car at the same time she realizes that not one, but two of the rhythms are familiar. Maggie’s heartbeat is elevated, like she’s been running a marathon.

Fear grips Kara’s body like a vice, but she doesn’t freeze, forces herself to move, barreling into the building without looking.

There are three of them, Intergang, guarding the first floor. The building itself is four stories, and right away Kara can tell Maggie and James are at least two levels up.

“The Supergirl!” one of them - a small, insect-like alien with four arms - chitters.

“Light ‘er up!” another, human as far as Kara can tell, shouts.

The three turn and aim their weapons - one of the ‘Boom tubes’ and two more traditional energy weapons.

Knowing now the damage the baton can do, Kara zips around them, clunking their heads together so they all fall unconscious in a heap.

“Three hostiles down, ground floor,” she reports, looking up and squinting, trying to gauge the situation now that she has been reminded of the efficacy of the weapons.

“Copy that. I have two teams in-bound. ETA less than ten minutes. They’ll secure things. Just go get Guardian.”

“Maggie’s here too,” Kara says quietly. “I can hear their heartbeats.”

Then she sees them, pinned down on the fourth floor, hiding behind metal shelves full of boxes, exchanging fire with three Intergang members. James is sprawled on his side, Maggie crouches protectively over him. He is breathing, but hurt, knocked out.

Kara is up there in a flash, punching the biggest gangster in the face.

He goes down like a sack of potatoes (or how she assumes one would).

As she’s turning to engage the next opponent, she hears Maggie’s heartbeat spike with terror.

“Kara, watch out!” the detective calls, and Kara can hear her move from cover.

Another concussive blast slams Kara’s body, sending her spinning into a cargo loader.

She hears a rib break, feels as if Superman were crushing her in a bear hug.

She can’t breathe.

The ringing in her ears is back.

The air feels weighted, as if it is heavy enough to pin her to the floor.

Another blast, this one catches her in the leg and drives it into the ground, shattering her knee. She can’t help the scream that tears its way out of her chest.

She hears shots being fired, feels the vibration of bodies hitting the floor.

She manages to look up with just her eyes, seeing Maggie sliding towards her ( _her expression is frantic, she trembles, she looks like she did when she was running for Alex_ ), hears her chanting _Kara, Kara, Kara_ and _please be okay, please be okay, please be okay_ under her breath desperately.

Kara opens her mouth to reassure the smaller woman, but sees someone approaching from behind. Sees a weapon being raised.

She reacts faster than she ever has, eye blazing, her vision cutting through the would-be attacker’s flesh.

There are screams of pain that taper off into a gurgle, but Kara is too exhausted and in pain to do more than flop her head down again.

The last thing she sees as she succumbs to unconsciousness is Maggie's relieved face hovering over hers. There are tears in her eyes, and Kara wishes she had the strength to reach out and brush them away.

“You’re okay,” Maggie whispers, over and over and over. “you’re okay.”

Darkness takes her vision.

She feels a wet warmth on her forehead, on her cheeks - Maggie’s crying, she realizes.

“S’okay. M’okay.”

She feels Maggie lean over and kiss her, soft and sweet and terrified.

She sleeps.

 

She dreams of Alex.  
  
In the dream, Kara is a child again - the same child she was when she first came to Earth - and Alex is an adult, appearing as she had the last time Kara saw her.  
  
(Well that isn't extactly right. She was softer, dressed in the pajamas she had been that _morning_ , when Kara had dropped by to complain about Snapper. Her favorite college t-shirt, and a pair of pj bottoms that Eliza had given her for the holidays - they had little snowflakes and dancing snowmen on them, even though it had been spring at the time.)  
  
Alex smiles at her, that gentle smile she reserved for when Kara has had a truly awful day, and opens her arms.  
  
Kara is in them in a flash, engulfed completely in her sister's embrace in a way she hasn't been... ever. It's warm and firm and perfect.  
  
She whimpers, breathes coming out in shudders as Alex squeezes her impossibly tighter.  
  
"I love you, Alex."  
  
"I love you too, Kara." The smaller woman pulls away, smiling as she cups Kara's cheek. "I have to go."  
  
"Please don't," Kara begs, eyes filling with tears. "I miss you. I-I'm sorry I got you killed. I'm so sorry. Please don't go."  
  
Alex leans down and kisses her forehead.  
  
"Sshhh. It's okay," Alex murmurs. "Goodbye, Kara."  
  
She begins to fade, turning into bright sunshine.  
  
"Alex," Kara cries, arms coming around her own body in comfort. "Alex, don't go. Don't leave me alone. Please..."  
  
  
She wakes up sobbing under a sunlamp, Maggie laying asleep across her legs, Winn nearby sleeping standing up against the wall.  
  
J'onn walks into her line of vision, blurry with her tears, and takes her hand.  
  
He doesn't say a word, but she can feel his grief too, and she is grateful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Kara and Maggie take one step forward and two steps back. Maggie goes to therapy. There WILL be more SpaceDad.


	6. Maggie III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One step forward, two steps back. 
> 
> Story of Maggie's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN 1: See first chapter for disclaimers.
> 
> AN 2: There is no explicit sex here, kiddos, but there IS some sexual activity. Nothing much more raunchy than the first chapter (okay, maybe A LITTLE more). Consider yourself warned.
> 
> AN 3: I literally erased a whole scene because it was Vasquez/Maggie. It's a struggle to keep this F/F and not F/F/F. You're welcome.
> 
> AN 4: Two more chapters after this one, dudes, unless there are specific thing that I didn't cover that you wanna see.

The room is slightly dim. Not so much that anything is indiscernible, but _just_ enough that Maggie’s eyes aren’t straining against the light.

It’s carpeted. A dark, gently patterned carpet that is just thick enough that the difference could be felt when she first walks into the room, but she quickly becomes accustomed to it. It seems to be the only carpeted area in all of the D.E.O. It dampens the sound of Maggie’s tapping foot.

The walls are papered, a soothing series of different shaded stripes, and small bookcases are strategically placed about the space. The effect of the room overall calls to mind the inside of a university professor's home office. Insulated, intellectual, safe. Like a weird, academic womb.

"So, can you tell me what happened at the docks?" The psychiatrist asks.

She's older, maybe early 60s, African American with short, neat white hair and glasses with little chains attached to keep them around her neck.  
  
"Aren't you supposed to get me to talk about my dead girlfriend or whatever?" Maggie grumbles, obstinate, unconsciously testing the limits.  
  
Doctor ' _please call me Miriam_ ' Chase makes a note on her tablet, tapping quick and efficient on the touch screen without looking down.  
  
"Did you want to talk about that?"  
  
Maggie rolls her eyes, clearing her throat with a grunt that she hopes sounds unimpressed.  
  
"You know I own a TV, right? I know what you're doing."

The detective crosses her arms over her chest, flopping back in her (surprisingly) comfortable chair.  
  
"And what's that, exactly?" Dr. Miriam asks, raising an eyebrow and peering at Maggie over the top of her glasses.  
  
Instead of answering, Maggie huffs, looking away - practically pouting. She would be embarrassed if she wasn't throwing all her effort into being petulant to keep from having a panic attack.  
  
"I'll wait," Dr. Miriam says, not unkind but not particularly gentle either.  
  
"Maggie," she hears in her ear, firm and chiding.  
  
It's Alex's voice; the one she used to use when Maggie was closed off and being a shit about it.  
  
It takes all of Maggie's self control not to flinch outwardly.

She's been hallucinating a bit.  
  
At first she was terrified that she was legitimately having a break with reality, but both Google and J'onn assured her that she was suffering the effects of her insomnia. He had cautioned her that she could do permanent damage to herself this way - could die - but she can't face the alternative.  
  
(The last time she slept for more than three hours, she'd had _that_ dream again - the one where she asks Alex to marry her and then kills her. This time she had snapped her lover's neck with her own hands, but when she pulled back it was Kara, and she had woken screaming, hadn't stopped until she threw up.)  
  
So, yeah, she hasn't been sleeping, tired of the nightmares, and the _not-nightmares-but-too-painful-when-she-wakes-up_ dreams. She has managed to get away with only two hours a night since... since she woke up in that hospital bed, one more shot away from dying from alcohol poisoning. It's been weeks now.  
  
(She hasn't slept at all since Kara got hurt, four days, 9 hours, 20 minutes ago by her watch.)  
  
She is barely functioning, disassociated more often than not, but she figures it's fine because since she's not back on duty yet, she's only a hazard to herself.  
  
Now when she's really stressed, she hears Alex - sometimes _sees_ her - when she's awake. Worse, she doesn't exactly _hate_ it (God, she misses Alex so fucking much), and that makes her angry at herself. She's supposed to be trying to do better.  
  
"Please," Alex whispers, her voice softer now, sincere.  
  
Maggie sighs. "What was the question?"  
  
"The incident at the docks. Tell me about what happened."  
  
Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, Maggie turns to look at the older woman again. She's promised more people than she is comfortable admitting she cares about that she will do her best to give this a chance.  
  
"I... I got a call from Guardian. Missed it, actually, but I called him back."  
  
Dr. Miriam nods, giving a few rapid taps to her tablet.  
  
"That's Mr. James Olsen, the Guardian, yes?"  
  
"Yeah..." Maggie still feels weird discussing secret identity stuff with a stranger, but, this woman was vetted personally by a psychic Martian, so... "James, he was down at the docks - doing the stupid solo vigilante thing again - and he ran into trouble."  
  
Dr. Miriam nods, forehead crinkling a bit. "Stupid, how?"  
  
Maggie chuckles, the sound incredulous and airy.  
  
"I worked the Gotham beat for years. Grown men running around in funny outfits playing lone hero isn't new to me. I can tell you that it only leads to people getting hurt, and most of the time those are innocent people. Sometimes..." She stops, biting her lip.

 

 _She remembers the bodies of children, dead and cold, abnormally pale faces pulled into horrible, rictus grins. She remembers the insane laughter as the madman responsible was taken away, beat to a pulp by a woman dressed like a flying rodent. She remembers recognizing Kate's face (she would_ always _know that face, no matter the mask)._

  
  
"I'm a cop," Maggie continues, blinking back the memories. "I know our system is flawed - I'm not stupid. But escalating the crazy like that, it’s not a smart way to fight the crazy."  
  
"I was under the impression that you supported the cooperation between law enforcement and what the media dubs 'super heroes,'" here Dr. Miriam actually uses scare quotes, and Maggie can't help but start to thaw to her a little.  
  
Maggie grimaces, but doesn't look away  
"That's... complicated. And honestly, I would have said hard no before getting to know our mutual friend."  
  
Dr. Miriam chuckles through her nose. "Our mutual friend?" She shakes her head. "She has that effect on people, though, you're right. That sunny disposition, she could charm the wheels off your car if she wanted to."  
  
"To be a little fair to me, cooperation and going rogue are pretty different."  
  
She gets a nod of agreement.  
  
"No argument here. So James - The Guardian - he went rogue, then?"  
  
Maggie shrugs. "Boys," she says, shrugging.

Dr. Miriam nods again. "Then what?"  
  
Maggie sighs again, thinking back. Everything from the last few days are sort of a blur.  
  
"I showed up, pulled up in the car. Got shot at immediately, so I knew where they were. Before I could get to a secure position, Guardian - _James_ \- jumps out the window like a frickin’ _idiot_ . He's lucky he didn't _kill_ himself. I managed to reach him and we got to another building - tried to hunker down. I called J-uh- Hank, and he sent help."  
  
"And this help was Supergirl?"  
  
Maggie clenches her jaw, doing everything in her power not to remember the sounds of Kara's bones snapping, of watching her crumple to the ground like a rag doll.  
  
"Yeah. _Supergirl_ ."  
  
"And she saved you?"  
  
Maggie hates that she knows what color Kara's blood is.  
  
"We saved each other."  
  
"You sound displeased - angry even - about that."  
  
Maggie clutches at the arms of the chair, nails digging into the leather with aggressive squeaks.  
  
"She was already weakened, from another fight. She could have _died_."  
  
Dr. Miriam looks at her over the top of her glasses again.  
  
"So could you. And James."  
  
"She... it's different. And yeah, it is, before you give me the standard bullshit."  
  
"Heaven forbid. But you know I'm going to ask you to explain."  
  
Maggie shifts, anger and fear fighting in her chest.  
  
"She, I can't lose her. _We_ can't lose her. She’s too _important_. She's-"  
  
Maggie has to stop, feels all her emotions rising up like a wave, threatening to drown her.  
  
"Because you care about her?" Dr. Miriam asks, and this time her voice is gentle.  
  
Maggie nods, doesn't have the strength to deny it.  
  
"Okay. We have exactly half our time left. I know you think it's my job to pry all your secrets out of you, but that just isn't true, okay Maggie. May I call you Maggie?"  
  
Again a nod. "Sure," the detective croaks.  
  
"Good, thank you Maggie. For the rest of today, I'm going to tell you a little about myself, what my duties are here at the D.E.O., and then we are going to talk about what _you_ want out of these sessions. Is that okay, Maggie."  
  
"I, why do you keep saying my name?"  
  
Dr. Miriam smiles. "To ground you. Bring you back a little. Old trick they teach us on syllabus day at head doctor school."  
  
"Awful honest of you there, Dr. Miriam," Maggie says, taking another deep breath and holding it.  
  
"It’s just Miriam, if you please. And, I am not here to lie to you Maggie, or to trick you. I'm here to help you get what you need to heal."  
  
An overwhelming sort of sadness and hopelessness breaks over the detective. She shivers.  
  
"You, you think it's possible? That I could get to a point where I don't feel like this anymore?"  
  
Dr. Miriam shrugs. "I can only say for certain that, in the 30 years I have been doing this, I have never had a person come to me that didn't make progress. How much is individual, but, I will do everything in my power to give you the tools and support you need to thrive."

 _Okay_ , Maggie wants to say. Her mouth moves but she can't quite get the words out.  
  
"Okay," the older woman confirms. She sits back in her own chair, putting aside the tablet on the small side table next to her, and begins.

  
  
  
It's Sunday, and Maggie's laughing - actually _laughing -_ at someone's joke (it's Winn, and he is more of the joke than he is _making_ the joke, but he brought it on himself). It feels... good.  
  
For the first time in a long time, she doesn't pull back from the feeling in fear of it collapsing, but leans into it instead. The sadness and despair that have become her regular reactions to these moments appear, but, they don't drive away the humor or the small pleasure she is taking from socializing.  
  
It's Sunday, she's laughing, and tomorrow she's going to be starting work again. Life isn't perfect, but it is starting to become bearable.  
  
"Winn, stop it, you need to stop," James groans, covering his face with his uninjured left hand. "You are a walking disaster, man."  
  
"How was I supposed to know it would _burn_ !" Winn whines, indignant but also laughing along.  
  
"Dude, they're called Infernians for a _reason_ ," Maggie says, slapping the man's shoulder. "You are so tragic."  
  
"Oh what, like _you_ of all people haven't made a mistake like that before," he mutters, taking a sip of his drink.  
  
"I will neither confirm nor deny," she allows, winking at the boys.  
  
She and James and Winn at the alien bar, and it feels... okay. She's not tempted to drink really, has a soda water in front of her for something to do with her hands, and the guys are treating her with minimal awkwardness.  
  
James smiles his big, charmed smile at her, and Winn narrows his eyes.  
  
"Whatever, _Detective Sawyer_." The techie sticks out his tongue.  
  
"Genius level comeback, nerd," she mocks, but bumps their drinks together.  
  
James chuckles, but gets a bashful look on his face, rubbing the back of his neck as he looks at her. It makes Maggie uncomfortable (she just _knows_ she isn't gonna like what comes out of his mouth), and she fights the urge to squirm in her chair.  
  
"Listen, Mags..." he starts, head tilted down but eyes looking at her. She grimaces and he nods, but continues anyway. "I just, I never had the chance to thank you. For, you know, saving my life..."

He raises his left arm, encased in a hard cast. Both long bones were fractured - he had blocked a strike to his skull.  
  
She shakes her head, frowning and picking up her soda to try and disguise the shake in her hands.  
  
She'd really rather not think about what happened.  
  
"Don't mention it, Olsen. It's my job."  
  
"No, really, I just. If it wasn't for you, I don't know what would have happened." He pauses again, maybe genuinely figuring out what he wants to say, maybe for effect. "I owe you one."  
  
"Seriously man, you can pay me back by not making a big deal about it. It’s... this is what I do."  
  
"What, rushing into tremendously dangerous and hostile situations with a tiny gun, no plan, and no backup?" Winn snarks, still miffed with them both.  
  
James had gone rogue, following a lead and not bothering to call Winn to watch his digital back. And Maggie had been the tall man's second call after Kara. It would take some time and sucking up on James' part to sooth his partner-in-crime's ego.  
  
"I think she means saving her friends," a soft voice calls from over Maggie's shoulder.  
  
The detective freezes for a moment, eyes sliding shut at the sound of Kara so close by.  
  
She's missed her. So much.  
  
The blonde takes the stool next to Maggie, shimmying it closer (until their knees touch, until there is barely an inch between them) and motioning to the bartender - _definitely_ one of Maggie's ex's. Without needing to be asked out loud, a club soda and lime is placed in front of the junior reporter.  
  
"Sounds about right," James agrees, raising a glass. "Maggie's a real hero. Goes out there everyday for crap wages to serve and protect."  
  
"To Maggie," Kara raises her glass and taps it against James.  
  
Winn rolls his eyes, but mostly to hide any sort of admiration in them, and clinks his glass against theirs.  
  
"Come on guys, you're making me blush," Maggie complains.

Inside she is feeling an odd mix of warmth and self-loathing. She's no hero - she's never felt like one before, she just does what she signed up to do - but even she isn't immune the real gratitude and affection being given.  
  
"Blushing and dimples, double trouble," James teases, taking a solid pull of his beer.  
  
Maggie opens her mouth to say something rude, but it gets caught in her throat at the feeling of Kara's arm wrapping around her shoulders.  
  
She knows the blonde means it to be casual, but Maggie is hyper aware of the way the three quarter sweater means that there is one less layer between Kara's forearm and Maggie's skin. She's aware of the heat the Kryptonian gives off, feels it scorching across her body. She's suddenly on fire with embarrassment and... something she would rather not think about.  
  
It's a moot point. Kara is Alex's little sister, and she doesn't want _that_ from Maggie anyway.  
  
(As a master of denial and bottling emotions, Maggie cleanly ignores the months and months of co-dependent behaviors they engaged in. Ignores all the past touches and intense looks and that weird feeling she would get in the pit of her stomach for months when Kara would gaze up at her through her lashes.)  
  
She has to keep reminding herself: Kara is better than her. Kara has never indicated she is anything except a heterosexual (Lena Luthor notwithstanding, because despite the last name, that woman was unnaturally beautiful and could tempt the Pope's resolve). Kara thinks of Maggie as a _safe space_ and cuddle buddy and _nothing more_. **_Kara is Alex’s little sister_** **.**  
  
"If you guys start singing 'For She's A Jolly Good Fellow,' I quit this friendship," Maggie grumbles, forcing herself to be easy, to try and control her heartbeat and breathing.  
  
"Guess I'll cancel the cake," James sasses, but backs down.  
  
"Didn't realize you were coming _out_ tonight, _Kara_ ," Winn says, eyeing the way Kara leaned into Maggie, head jerking awkwardly to the side a few times.  
  
"I needed to not be alone tonight," the blonde replies, moving so she is pressed against Maggie's side.  
  
The detective feels the taller woman give a firm nod, as if she has come to an important conclusion; it moves through her whole body.  
  
They spent months like this, basically fused together, practically breathing the same air. Maggie didn't realize just how much comfort and strength she drew from touching Kara, until it was gone. She feels weak with the relief of the contact.  
  
Winn's eyes open wide before narrowing.  
  
"Are you _sure_ you don't just want a _quiet_ evening at home?" He asks, waving vaguely in the air.  
  
"Dude, you okay?" James asks, frowning at his friend.  
  
"What? Yes, absolutely, of course. Why wouldn't I be?" The smaller man assures, laughing awkwardly.  
  
But Maggie notices how he is looking at her and Kara, and the warmth curdles in her  stomach.  
  
_He knows._  
  
He knows what Maggie has been trying desperately to ignore, trying so hard to excise and when she realized she couldn't, trying to repress into the darkest corner of herself.  
  
He knows she has feelings for Kara.  
  
" _Fuck_ ," Maggie whispers, panic rising up suddenly.  
  
"Are you okay?" Kara asks, hugging her with one arm.  
  
Maggie twists out from under her, heart hammering in her chest.  
  
"What's wrong?" Kara asks again, standing and facing her.  
  
Maggie runs a hand through her hair, shaky, feeling like she's gonna start hyperventilating any second.  
  
"Y-yeah, I just, I need to get going. First day back tomorrow."  
  
She moves awkwardly around Kara to her seat to get her jacket.  
  
"Really? No, come on, it's like 8 o'clock," Winn protests, blushing bright red, clearly embarrassed to be caught staring.  
  
"Sorry man, I just, I gotta go."  
  
She manages to get into her jacket with minimal struggling, a small victory.  
  
"I'll walk with you," Kara offers, smiling and reaching for Maggie's hand.  
  
Maggie jerks back automatically, then tries to hide the move by shoving her hand into her pockets to pretend to look for her wallet.

"Nah, I feel bad. You _just_ got here."  
  
_Shit, shit, shit, shit!_  
  
"It's fine," Kara insists, smile getting that stiff quality to it that means she noticed Maggie being weird and is trying to let it go and not get upset. "I wanted to see you."  
  
If Maggie insists now, there will be no getting around making it a scene.

“Okay _mom_ , walk me home,” she says, rolling her eyes and trying to play it off.

“Great!” Kara chirps, bouncing on the balls of her feet a little before turning to the boys.

(She’s completely healed from their ordeal, but Maggie will never forget what those legs look like with bones poking out through the skin. It makes her queasy to think that Kara experienced so much pain to save her. _Again_.)

“Can we get together on Friday? I miss you guys!” Kara asks, hopeful.

The boys agree immediately, eager.

“Of course, Kara. Just say when and where and I’ll be there,” James says, voice deep and soft.

Maggie would wager that he’ll be angling for more one-on-one time with the blonde soon. He’s had the look about him lately of a man gearing up to try again.

The thought makes her angry but also relieved. Kara deserves to be happy.

“I’ll buy the first round,” Winn chimes in, smiling a real, happy smile.

“What if I don’t wanna go to a bar?” Kara asks, pursing her lips and frowning.

Winn snorts, waves his hands in an ‘as if’ gesture.

“Kara. We’re adults. There is nowhere we will go that doesn’t have alcohol. Or in your case, club soda.”

Maggie stands by awkwardly, watching the exchange, wishing she could just disappear. Her skin is starting to warm, like she's had a few to drink, and the itchy feeling she knows means she will end up doing something stupid is crawling up her arms and tickling her throat.

Kara rolls her eyes but leans forward to hug both her friends.

Turning, she offers Maggie her hand.

Maggie stares at it for a second, torn, before reaching out slowly to take it. (She's been distant and cold, and what that got her was Kara lying bleeding on that cold, concrete floor.)

With a small, pleased smile and a little bounce, Kara squeezes Maggie’s hand and leads the way out of the bar.

 

They go back to Kara’s place. Maggie knew they would, even though she hasn’t been there in almost three months.

Stepping in, it’s like she never left.

“Can I get you anything to drink?” Kara asks, hands clasped together in front of her, cheeks flushed pink.

The taller woman isn’t looking at Maggie - is staring at her shoes instead.

"No thanks."  
  
Maggie knows it's going to happen - she's no fool, has been around the block with both human and alien women enough times to be embarrassed to walk into pretty much every bar in town without a game plan. Still, the feel of Kara's lips on her own shocks her.  
  
They're so soft.  
  
Kara's hand cradles her cheek, drawing her close then sliding to the back of her neck to keep her in place.  
  
Maggie tests the hold and finds it unyielding. It should be stifling - frightening even - but she finds herself moaning into the kiss, instantly turned on.  
  
"Kara, what?" She manages between kisses, hands finding their way to the taller woman's hips.  
  
She means to push Kara away, but finds herself pulling closer.  
  
"Ssshh, can I just?" Kara's free hand grabs at her ass, breaking her hold and yanking her up so she has to either wrap her legs around the blonde's hips or dangle like a ragdoll.  
  
It's awkward, the way Maggie's being handled like she weighs nothing, but it's also unbelievably hot. She groans, grinding into abs that feel like steel under the layers of cloth, and buries both hands in golden hair.  
  
Arousal and relief course through her. She didn't make the first move - that's not on her.  
  
Kara makes a small sound in the back of her throat, like a choked off sigh.  
  
They kiss for a small eternity, Maggie held up by Kara like she could do it all night.  
  
The smaller woman slides her hand down, cupping Kara's breast through her clothes. She feels Kara stiffen and flinch ever so slightly, and it breaks through the haze.  
  
"Hey?" She asks, pulling back a little and looking into Kara's eyes. "You... you okay?"  
  
"Mhmm," Kara assures, trying to go back in for a kiss.  
  
Maggie avoids her lips, and so the Kryptonian moves to her neck.  
  
Maggie's eyes flutter closed, her legs tightening around Kara's body. "K-Kara..." she means it to be firm, a clear 'wait,' but it comes out a breathy whisper.  
  
"Yes?" Kara murmurs against her skin, shifting the smaller woman's weight onto one hand and reaching between them to feel Maggie through her pants.  
  
"Shit," Maggie hisses, using the hold she has in Kara's hair to tug her away from her neck and pull her in for another kiss.  
  
She gently squeezes at Kara's breast again, and again the other woman stiffens. Maggie pulls back again.  
  
"Hey, wait, Kara-"  
  
Kara cuts her off with another kiss, easing her back onto her feet and pushing her against the wall before dropping to her knees.  
  
"Whoa, hey, let's slow-" Kara reaches forward and suddenly Maggie's pants are around her ankles, "down..."  
  
"Let me? Please," Kara pleads, looking up at Maggie. Her cheeks are flushed, her hair thoroughly mussed, and her lips are shiny.  
  
Maggie takes a shaky breath, running a hand through her hair. "You sure? This, uh, we don't-"  
  
Kara moves forward, planting kisses across Maggie's stomach as her hand slips into her underwear.  
  
"Fucking _Jesus_ , Kara!"  
  
She is unbelievably wet.  
  
She feels Kara smirk against her skin.  
  
She's been so good, never, _ever_ letting herself even _think_ of this as a possibility. But now that it's happening, she can't deny she has wanted this - wanted Kara - for a while now.  
  
"Kara, please, let me just - I, I wanna touch you too," she manages, forcing her eyes open.  
  
Looking down at Kara, she feels like a cold bucket of water has been dumped over her.  
  
The blonde looks worried - _distressed_ \- at the idea.  
  
"Off," she commands, shame and anger flashing through her. " _Now_."  
  
Kara falls back onto her ass as Maggie roughly yanks up her own pants and does up the buttons.  
  
"Wha, did I... did I do something wrong?" Kara asks, sounding genuinely baffled, tears in her eyes.  
  
"You, me, couch, now." Maggie grinds out through clenched teeth. She lets the anger rise, uses it to keep from collapsing in on herself in self-loathing and disgust.  
  
"O-okay..." Kara agrees, scrambling to her feet and peeling off her sweater.  
  
"Keep your clothes on," the detective growls, arms crossing over her own chest protectively.

They sit, as far as possible from each other.

Kara fidgets, clearly wanting to be close to Maggie.  
  
"What the _hell_ was that?" Maggie asks, curled tight into herself.  
  
Kara looks down, ashamed. She picks at the loose threads of the pillow across her lap, unravelling one by accident.  
  
"I... I _want_ you."  
  
"Bullshit. I'm not _stupid_ , Kara. I, I _know_ when someone isn't into it."  
  
"No, I mean _yes_ , I do want you... just. I wanna give you what you, uh, what you need..."  
  
Maggie can feel the residual arousal in her lower abdomen, feels the sticky wetness drying on her skin, and it's everything she can do not to throw up. She hugs herself tighter.  
  
"What I _need_?" She feels betrayed by them both. "What _you_ need to do is explain. Now."  
  
Kara scoots over a little, but stops halfway across the couch at Maggie's panicked glare.  
  
"I... I was talking to Winn..."  
  
Kara begins to speak, tells Maggie about how she was feeling and what was said, and Maggie is torn between murdering Winn and herself.  
  
She stops listening.

She should have known Kara didn't really want her - _couldn’t?_ \- want her like that. It makes a lot of sense.  
  
She's confused and angry (at herself and Winn mostly, but also at Kara, who should have talked to her first, shouldn't have just assumed she'd be _okay_ with taking advantage of her like that). She feels dirty.  
  
"I-I gotta go," Maggie stammers, standing jerkily and backing away from Kara's outstretched hand.  
  
"M-Maggie? Please, just let me explain. I didn't mean to-"  
  
" _No_!" She takes a deep, shaky breath and runs her hand through her hair, pulling harshly on the tangles their earlier activity caused. "No... I just, this shouldn't have happened. I, you, this is _wrong_."  
  
"Please..." Kara whimpers, rising to her knees on the couch, begging. "It's not what you think. I  _want_ to touch you, I  _promise_."  
  
Maggie holds up a hand, the other at her mouth. She’s trembling, sick to her stomach, _terrified_.  
  
"No. We... we need space. I need space. We almost... I almost... Kara this was _not_ okay. But, I can't talk about it now."  
  
She feels the bile rising, feels the urge to scratch her nails down her arms until she bleeds (maybe the blood will be enough penance).  
  
"Please don't hate me..." Kara whispers, clearly heartbroken.  
  
Maggie can't help it. She moves forward and pulls Kara into her arms, cradling her tight against her chest.  
  
Kara clutches at her shirt, ripping it a bit, sobbing.  
  
"You listen to me, okay? I could _never_ hate you. This, this was _not_ okay, but when we're ready, we'll talk. Be _honest_ with each other, yeah? We'll work this out. I," Maggie shudders, trying to speak without crying. She fails. "I can't _lose_ you, Kara. We, I'm here, I'll always be here with you. We'll figure this out."  
  
It's as close to 'I love you' as she can bring herself to get right now. She's too confused, hurts to much.  
  
"Promise?" Kara asks, voice muffled by Maggie's shirt. "You, you won't disappear again?"  
  
She's pressed tight against the smaller woman, ear jammed against where her heart is, face buried in her arm. Maggie pulls her tighter, hard enough that it would hurt a human, hand covering the blonde's other ear so that all she hears is Maggie.  
  
"Promise."  
  
She pulls away then, using her hand to raise Kara's chin, so they can look at each other.  
  
"We, we should have talked first. I'm so sorry..." Kara says, eyes full of tears, lower lip trembling.  
  
She really is.  
  
"Me too," Maggie allows.  
  
She nods once, then turns and moves to the door again. Behind her, she hears Kara collapse back onto the couch and start sobbing again.  
  
It takes all of her strength not to turn back.

 

  
  
Maggie is desperate, and it comes through in her knocking. She's pounding on the door, bruising her knuckles, panting and near hysterical.  
  
Vasquez answers after less than two minutes - impressive considering she was dead asleep before the assault on her door.  
  
She blinks light sensitive eyes as she opens the door. "Detective?"  
  
Maggie lunges forward, kissing the other woman before she can think it through.

Vasquez is slow, but responds, kissing her back for a few moments. She eases the pace from desperate to something approaching human, then pulls back, hand on Maggie's chest to keep her from going back in.  
  
"As much as I'd like to think otherwise, this isn't about you and me, is it?"  
  
The question is minimally bitter.  
  
Maggie exhales like an explosion, which turns into a single sob.  
  
"Jesus, Maggie. Come here," Susan says, pulling the other woman to her and closing the door.  
  
They are enveloped in comforting darkness.  
  
"I'm so sorry, I fucked up, I'm sorry," the detective babbles, voice a broken mess of tears.  
  
Susan leads her to the couch and turns to go put on a kettle.

Maggie grabs her, pulls her so she can bury her face in the other woman’s clothed stomach.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I just…”

“Hey, hey, it’s going to be okay. Just breathe.”

“I-I-I can’t. I’m gonna do something stupid. If I leave, I don’t know-” Maggie breaks off, sobbing, incoherent.

Making a decision, Vasquez pushes Maggie back gently, laying her out on her side, and wiggling onto the couch next to her.

“I won’t let you. It’s okay, just, breathe and hold onto me.” Maggie clings to her, face pressed hard into her sternum. “That’s it. I have you.”

The sound of her crying is the most heart wrenching sound Vasquez has heard in a long, long time.

“I have you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Kara and Maggie actually talk - lookit them, doing the communication thing. They come to an understanding. (I swear there will be SpaceDad in this one, I just couldn't get him in the last one...)
> 
> Any questions or concerns, drop em in the comments.


	7. Kara IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honesty is the best policy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN 1: see the first chapter for disclaimers.
> 
> AN 2: MORE SPACEDAD LIKE I PROMISED!!!
> 
> AN 3: I did my best to have this chapter be an upward climb and not an emotional backslide. I could've gone for angst, but this felt right to me. I am in the mood for some hope...
> 
> AN 4: Vasquez deserves a fruit basket.
> 
> AN 5: Last chapter for a over a week guys, rl is a killer.

Training isn't getting _easier,_  per se, but she is getting used to the routine of it. An hour in the morning before work, and three in the evening after.  
  
Sometimes J'onn joins them. Never to check up (at least that's what he says), but those days it seems like maybe he can read her mind, because she has always needed something... _extra_.  
  
He's with them today. Susan - who has pulled three doubles this week, and is still somehow fresh at the end of her tour as the beginning - is working her through holds and hold-breaks. It's their cooldown after hours of drills, and Kara is grateful because her mind needed clearing.  
  
"Again," Susan calls, smiling ever so slightly as Kara releases her.  
  
"Don't you ever get tired?" Kara asks, a little breathless but also pleased.  
  
She managed to get the smaller woman immobile that time.  
  
"How considerate," J'onn rumbles from his position on the wall. "I guess it's my turn then."  
  
Kara groans.  
  
"I shouldn't have said anything," she mutters, shaking her limbs as he approaches, readying herself.  
  
"And yet," he replies, dropping his center of gravity.  
  
Vasquez steps way back, hands behind her back as she observes, barely sweating.  
  
Kara isn't sure if she is actually human.  
  
"Begin!"  
  
The kryptonite lights are high enough to reduce her strength to almost human levels, but she has started to get used to it now. Not enough not to be uncomfortable, but enough that she can push the sick feeling into the back of her mind as she moves through the stages of the hold.  
  
She doesn't get J'onn the way she got Susan - the difference in height and weight not something she naturally adjusted for. (She is used to adjusting to be more gentle, not more forceful, and it really messes with her head.) She does manage to get him into the hold though, even if it is awkward.  
  
"Good," J'onn says, not sounding at all bothered by the weird angle she is holding his arm behind his back.  
  
He taps out softly against her body and she lets him go.  
  
"Again."  
  
"Actually sir, she's hit her three hours," Susan calls out, clearly taking pity at the look of exhaustion on Kara's face.  
  
J'onn doesn't turn towards his agent, but smirks.  
  
"You mean you're edging into a triple now and want to spare me the paperwork for the OT?"  
  
Kara can't help but smile at them, even if she is still bone tired and sad.  
  
"Plans tonight, sir," Susan responds easily.  
  
"I think I'll keep Miss Sunshine a little longer. Dismissed, agent."  
  
Vasquez salutes his back, winking at Kara before turning to go.

Kara knows where she’s going - knows that Susan and Maggie have become closer, friends even. She is happy about it, thinks that they both have holes in their lives that they can fill for each other, though there is an ache of yearning in her chest too.

The blonde's smile falters, turning into something wistful and longing. "Can you tell her..." She trails off, not sure what she wants to say.  
  
The smaller woman hesitates, but nods.  
  
"I will."  
  
Before she can sink too much into her shame and sadness, J'onn has squared up.  
  
"Agent Vasquez tells me you've caught onto some of the techniques pretty quickly," he says, twisting his neck to the side until it cracks. "Why don't you show me?"

With a sigh, Kara adjusts her stance.

 

Kara is still sore after they turn off the kryptonite lights. She almost asks J’onn about taking a nap under the sun lamps, but thinks about how Vasquez and the other agents don’t have that option and bites back the urge.

“If you’re not too tired,” J’onn says, eyes soft as she’s ever seen them. “I’d like to… spend some time with you.”

He rubs the back of his neck with one large hand, scowling a little. Anyone else and Kara would have coo’d with how adorable they were being. Here and now, though, she smiles through a lump in her throat, feelings welling up and threatening to overwhelm her.

“Sure,” she says, clearing her throat. “What are we doing, and, will there be food?”

She grins, and despite himself J’onn returns the sentiment.

“There’s a place I like to go, sometimes, when… when I need space. Somewhere quiet. I’d like to share that with you.”

“Ok-okay. Is… what’s the, uh, _dress code_?”

He snorts, rolling his eyes.

“Just be yourself.”

 

She ends up changing into her work clothes, meeting J’onn on the roof.

They take off at supersonic speed, he just a smidge faster to lead the way, and end up a state over and one up, landing gently in a clearing of a pretty dense forest by a cabin.

It’s chilly and gently raining, enough to damp down Kara’s hair.

“Wow! There isn’t anyone around for _miles,_ ” Kara breathes, amazed.

For the first time in a long time, the sensory overload of the crush of National City and her residents isn’t pressing against her skull.

"No one for 40 miles around, specifically," J'onn agrees, moving to the cabin and opening the door. 

He waits for Kara to enter first, which she does eagerly, excited to see what this place is about.  
  
It's a one room cabin, homey and rustic in a way Kara would never in a million years associate with the head of the D.E.O. With a fireplace/wood stove, a big crocheted floor rug, and two old couches, it could have come out of a camping catalogue in the 80s.  
  
(The only super modern touches are a good sized 'fridge in one corner - which the blonde is grateful for - and dark mobile command center on the desk by one of the windows, which she could do without.)  
  
She slowly enters the cabin, wandering to and from one end to the other.  
  
There is a good sized bed at one end, and near the sink is the fridge a table with two chairs. A small bookshelf serves as a bedside table, and near the couch is a small shelf with old looking board games. They remind Kara of vacations with the Danvers her first few years, when Jeremiah and Eliza - then just Eliza - would insist they "get back to nature" and they would pile into the car and drive to a lakeside vacation community.  
  
Alex was incredibly good at old board games - especially word or money based ones - but Kara always managed to beat her at Connect Four and Sorry.  
  
A sudden, painful longing flashes through Kara's chest.  
  
She would give anything for the chance to lose to Alex at Scrabble or Monopoly again.  
  
As if sensing her heartache, J'onn steps in and closes the door behind her.  
  
"I thought we could talk," he says. "It's... it's time."  
  
Looking down at the floor, hands clenched together, shoulders hunched almost painfully, Kara nods once.  
  
Her voice is small and soft when she finds it. "Okay."  
  
He walks by her, squeezing her shoulder briefly as he does, and sets about opening the fridge and pulling out food.  
  
After a few moments of watching, Kara can't help but wander forward, curious.  
  
"Is there... can I help?"  
  
"Hmph," J'onn grunts, not bothering to turn around. "Thanks but I've experienced your cooking before. Why don't you pick out a game we can play?"  
  
Smiling a little - because while she isn't a complete lost cause in the kitchen, her Kryptonian senses mean she has very _eccentric_ preferences for flavor mixtures and texture - Kara nods to his back and turns to the game shelf.  
  
There are about a dozen board games and another five or six card games packed into the three tiers, all of them possible to play by candle light.  
  
Spying a well worn box at the bottom with a familiar design along the side, she reaches out and tugs.  
  
"Good choice," J'onn murmurs, looking over from his preparations. "It's been a long time since I've had the chance to play."  
  
Kara clutches the box to her chest, moving back over to the kitchen area.  
  
She plops carefully down into a chair and sets the box down in front of her.  
  
"It... we had a similar game on Krypton. Aunt Astra and I would play often. When I came here, one of the first times I remember really being happy was when we - Alex and Jeremiah and Eliza and I - would sit and play board games. I was still confused and, and _overwhelmed_ a lot, but games, they had rules that couldn't change and they are _universal_ somehow."  
  
She pauses, picking at a loose part of the label. It tears a little and she immediately smooths it down again, pulling her hand away from it quickly, as if she is afraid her touch itself will damage it.  
  
J'onn says nothing, just raises his eyebrows and continues to chop.  
  
She goes on.  
  
"For my first Earth Birthday Alex got me Go, because it sounded like the game from home. We played... for hours that first night. She was awful at it, but she tried for me. And later, Eliza would play with me. She was, uh, _much_ more experienced."  
  
"I'll bet," J'onn agrees.  
  
He's done chopping now, so he sets about lighting the woodstove and prepping the top for cooking.  
  
Kara feels a little defensive. "She _tried_ , but..."

She gets a nod of agreement, a gesture to indicate no harm is meant. She knows he thinks of Alex as his daughter (her death doesn’t change that, the way that her death doesn’t change the fact that she will always be Kara’s sister), that he loves her and has always seen the best in her. Kara is raw and tired, but promises herself to be kind.

He taps the box gently, eyes a little unfocused.

"Whenever I brought Alex up here, she was always inclined to play games with... more concrete standards of operation." 

J'onn smiles, opening the fridge again and pulling out two bottles. Ginger beer, with real chunks of the root floating in the bottom. He hands her one.  
  
"Thanks," she says, flicking the top off casually with her thumb.  
  
He nods, twisting his own off.  
  
"We played once, too. Alex was a beautiful mind, could make amazing logical connections. She was a brilliant scientist and an exemplary agent, but, something about the fluidity of the strategy eluded her. She did better with chess, but even then... But Backgammon? She was scary good."  
  
Kara nods, taking a sip of the ginger beer, enjoying the way the bubbles pop in her nose and the burn of the ginger on her gums.  
  
J'onn slides the box open, gently removing the worn board and covered bowls full of stones. They are both silent as he lays them out, placing the bowl of white stones on Kara's side and the black stones on his own.  
  
Frowning, Kara reaches over and switches them, giving him a mildly embarrassed look when he raises an eyebrow.  
  
"I always play the black stones. They bring me good luck. And seeing as you have centuries of experience..."  
  
J'onn huffs through his nose, almost a chuckle.  
  
"I'm good, but not unbeatable. I don't think I've ever won a game against Vasquez or Anderson."  
  
"Susan doesn't surprise me - she's kinda creepily omniscient. But Anderson? _Vic_ Anderson? The guy that takes April Fool's way too seriously and wears a lucky rabbit's foot?"  
  
"One of the best strategic minds I have ever met. Born in the wrong time, honestly."  
  
He gets up and half fills a large pot with water, then goes into the freezer and digs out a huge ziplock bag of frozen liquid. It's a dark yellow, almost brown color, and smells like cold marrow and vegetables.  
  
He breaks a large chunk off the frozen stock, about half, and puts it into the pot, waiting until it melts before adding the other ingredients. Chunks of meat, chopped veggies, potatoes, followed by a rich smelling blend of spices and rice.  
  
Washing his hands, he dries them on a hanging dishtowel before moving to join Kara again.  
  
With a soft smile that reaches the corners of his eyes, he nods his head once and asks in Kryptonian, " _Shall we begin?_ "  
  
Kara nods back. " _Begin we shall._ "  


 

It's Friday evening, and Kara's ready to actually die. Her lungs burn, her legs are made of lead, her arms tremble...  
  
"H... how? Do you... do this?" She wheezes from her position on her back, sprawled out on the sparring mat.  
  
"I have five brothers and three sisters," Vasquez replies easily, reaching down her hand and helping Kara up. "I'm the middle child."  
  
"That," Kara pants, "makes so much sense."  
  
"Cool down time now, Supergirl," the smaller woman says with sympathy.  
  
The last three days they have done moderate stretches as cool down, like an aggressive military version of yoga. Susan moves them through the routine, keeping the kryptonite lights on the whole while.  
  
When they're done, the agent hesitates in front of Kara, unsure for the first time since the blonde has known her.  
  
"What's wrong? Is here something on my face?" Kara asks, worried, trying to see her own cheeks and nose by looking down and failing miserably.  
  
"You should talk to Maggie," Susan says, surprising her.  
  
Immediately Kara's heart is in her throat, and she feels a queasy sort of fear take over.  
  
"Is she okay? I-I thought she was doing better, I mean, even though... what happened, happened."  
  
Vasquez smiles kindly, the expression confusing considering the subject matter.  
  
"She _is_ doing better, yeah. I won't break her confidence-"   
  
"Of _course_ not!" Kara interrupts, relieved, then slaps a hand over her own mouth in embarrassment.  
  
The dark haired woman chuckles, reaching out and squeezing her friend's hand.  
  
" _But_ , I know that she is in a place where the two of you should clear the air. She was... distraught, clearly, but she... she misses you, Kara." Now Susan's expression turns wistful. (Kara is shocked - this may be the first time the other woman has ever used her given name.) "The two of you fill a need for each other. It's obvious, and this rift between you is horrible to watch."  
  
Kara looks down at the floor, fighting off tears.  
  
"I... I hate it, _so much_. But, I mean, what happened... she has to be ready to see me again."  
  
A gentle hand under her chin guides her gaze up again.  
  
"She's ready. This is as much meddling as I have ever, and will ever do. Send her a message so she knows you want to see her again."  
  
Kara purses her lips, insecure. "What if she says no?"  
  
"If she says no, it doesn't mean _never_ , it means _not right now._ I'm not saying you should grovel - just that, you're both hurting and miss each other and the only solution is opening communication channels."  
  
Susan removes her hand and moves to go.  
  
Kara catches her arm, pulling her into a hug.  
  
"I... I'll reach out," she says against the smaller woman's neck. "Thank you. For just, for being such an amazing person."  
  
The agent hesitates, then returns the hug.  
  
"Be happy. _Both_ of you."

 

When Kara gets home, she loses the nerve for a call but finds the courage to text.

  
_hey, uh, i was wondering if you had time to talk this weekend? maybe tonite?_

Maggie's reply is slow in coming - an agonizing fifteen minutes where once it would have been two, during which time she considers launching her phone into the sun and leaving the planet forever - but it gives her hope.

 _Hey. I can't today. Tomorrow? Caught a case last minute._ _  
_ _  
_

_my place?_

Kara winces as she sends it, remembering what happened last time and wishing she could take it back.

_..._ _Sure. Dinner?_

Kara could cry at how awkward this feels.

_sure yeah. my treat._

Maggie is radio silent for long enough that Kara tips from nervous to panic. She debates adding more for a second before typing again.  
_  
_

_i promise all we'll do is talk and eat, okay?_ _  
_ _  
_

_Sorry, canvassing. Sure Blondie, that sounds good. See ya then._

_s_ _ee you tomorrow_

 

 

  
Maggie is over. Maggie is over, and they are eating together and making stilted conversation over their potstickers.  
  
Kara could cry.  
  
She's barely touched her food, she's so nervous and guilty. What she wouldn't do to be able to reach out and just hug the other woman...  
  
Maggie had come over with a bottle of wine and a fake-it-til-you-make-it smile (Kara knows them well, they are a staple of her arsenal), brushing in past Kara like the junior reporter can't hear her racing heart or taste her nervous sweat in the air.  
  
The detective had done her best to keep things  light and cheerful, but Kara notices her flinch whenever she got too close.  
  
"Can we... can we move to the couch and like, _actually_ talk?" Kara all but begs, pushing the mush that has become her dinner around on her plate.  
  
She hears Maggie take a deep, steadying breath.  
  
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm just... a little freaked out."  
  
They move to the couch, sitting as far away from each other as physically possible. The position is not unfamiliar.  
  
A mixture of frustration and shame wells up in Kara. She should have talked things out with Maggie before... anything got physical. She _knows_ that, is so incredibly sorry she didn't. She hadn't _realized_ just how much needed to be said aloud.  
  
She should have, especially considering how _she_ felt about things. But she had assumed things, and now they were in this mess...  
  
"Hey. Kara, hey... where are you right now?"  
  
Kara bites her lip, fiddling with her glasses - a prop she finds so much comfort in, in times like these.  
  
"I'm sorry, a-about before. I promise not to do anything, never touch you again, without asking," she whimpers, forcing herself to meet Maggie's eyes.  
  
What she sees surprises her.  
  
Maggie looks sad and nervous, yes, but also determined. She moves until they are next to each other - not touching but within a friendly distance - and opens her hand, palm upward, on her own leg.  
  
Kara stares at it for long moments, until the fingers wiggle impatiently and she takes it.  
  
Maggie squeezes her hand, reassuring.  
  
"We're going to figure this out, alright? You are too important to me - whatever is happening here is too important - to give up without a fight. Okay?"  
  
Kara hesitates, and Maggie squeezes her fingers gently again.  
  
"O-okay."  
  
"Good," the detective says, letting her go and sitting back on the couch.  
  
They sit in silence for a while, neither sure where to start.  
  
Finally, Kara leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees.  
  
"I... I don't know what to say except, I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. I... I skipped a _lot_ of steps between figuring out what I wanted and... what happened..."  
  
"Whatever bullshit Winn told you, there is _never_ a situation where I would want you to put yourself in a position where you were sacrificing your consent in order to carry out what you _think_ I want." Maggie's voice is a little harsh, but the anger isn't really targeted at Kara.  
  
"Do... what do you want?"  
  
"I want us to be open and honest. You aren't gonna lose me just because you don't want to _fuck_ me, okay?"  
  
"That's... not exactly accurate," Kara mutters, embarrassment warring with the need to make the smaller woman understand.  
  
Maggie's tone turns deadly serious. "You calling me a liar?"  
  
Kara blows out a breath, turning to face the detective.  
  
"No. Not at all. Just that," she huffs here, "you’re making assumptions too. Which isn't fair to me either."  
  
Maggie looks like she wants to argue, but closes her mouth and nods instead.  
  
"You're right. That... that's not a thing we should do. _Either_ of us..."  
  
They go back to staring at each other as they calm down.  
  
Kara feels the need to touch the other woman, some sort of contact, like a physical thing. She resists the urge, tucking her hands into her lap instead.

"It's... it's okay if you touch me, Kara. That isn't what you did wrong, and I think you know that."

Kara nods, swallowing back a sniffle but doesn't reach out quite yet.

"Can we just, take a second?" She asks, nose scrunching, chewing on her bottom lip a bit. "Am I allowed to, uh, to ask how you are?"  
  
Maggie looks a little heartbroken, but manages a small smile.  
  
"Only if I get to ask first." Kara nods. "How are you doing?"

"I'm... I'm confused and embarrassed. And hurting. And... I'm lonely." She sees the smaller woman wince at that and presses on. "But, like, also doing better? I've been training with Susan, and hanging out with James and Winn. And, J'onn took me on a retreat kinda earlier in the week..." She pauses to take a breath, blowing the loose hairs from her face on the exhale. Gazing up at Maggie through her lashes, she bites the bullet. "H-how are you?"

Maggie chuckles, the sound dry and a little wry.

"I mean, I'm in _therapy_ now. Which is not a thing I thought I would ever be doing."

Kara can't help but feel proud. She hopes she keeps it off her face, because she knows how sensitive Maggie can be about needing help and doesn't want to discourage her from talking about it.  
  
"How, uh, how _is_ it? What's it like?" She asks, smiling what she hopes is an encouraging smile.  
  
"It's... exactly what I put into it." Maggie chuckles, and it sounds self-deprecating but also amused. "Which at first was nothing but attitude and nonsense, but after a session or two I, it's good. It's... it's helping. I just." She takes a deep breath, swallowing hard. "I don't think I deserve to not suffer, you know?"  
  
"Oh Maggie..." Kara sighs, reaching out to take the smaller woman's hand.  
  
Maggie lets her hold it, but shakes her head and continues.  
  
"It's how I feel, regardless of what anyone thinks is true. _But_ , I know Alex would hate that. I know she'd be _pissed_ . She didn't die so I could suffer." Another deep breath, this one a little shaky on the exhale. "That's enough to make me want to move forward. It's enough to get me to take this whole head shrink thing seriously."  
  
Kara is glad, squeezes Maggie's hand and sways a little.  
  
"Good."  
  
Maggie looks down now, blushing a little as she toys with Kara's fingers.  
  
The blonde does her best to ignore the butterflies the touches agitate in her stomach. They are doing so _well_ , and she doesn't want to make things awkward or hard.  
  
"You, uh, you too," Maggie says quietly, a small smile curling the corners of her mouth.  
  
Kara blinks, confused, tilting her head to the side a bit. "Huh?"  
  
"I think about what _you_ want for me - how you think of me - and, even though I don't really agree right now, I let that guide me some." She looks up again, a determined expression on her face.  
  
Kara's heart fills with warm affection, and she has to struggle against the instinct to pull the other woman close. She knows they aren't there yet, that they have to really clear the air and establish what they both need from each other, but, goodness she _wants_ .  
  
"Since I was 14, I've had my own back. I never really let anyone in, didn't know how. That's why this has been extra hard. I, I let myself give some of the load to Alex and when she died, I felt almost betrayed. Not by _her_ , God no, but just, by the Universe. Like it was punishing me for daring. Like just by touching her, I got her killed." Maggie trails off, closing her eyes. "I'm not saying this right."  
  
"It feels like, your existence is poison. Like whatever you love is cursed to curdle - to wither?" Kara asks, smiling a sad, knowing smile. “Like anything you touch will suffer and die.”  
  
Maggie's eyes blink open, and she looks ashamed.  
  
"I, it's different. Jesus Kara, you’ve lost _so much_ . She was your sister, she was your number one person. And I mean, shit, you lost your _world_ . I _know_ that."  
  
"Stop. This isn’t a contest. I just meant, I _know_ that feeling. That gross self doubt and loathing. It took me years and years and _years_ to come to a place where I let myself love anyone. To trust anyone not to just _die_ on me."  
  
Kara reaches out, takes Maggie's other hand. She brings both to her mouth and kisses the backs, holds them against her chest.  
  
"Dr. Miriam, she's good at getting me to be honest. And I, I'm not at a place where I think I deserve to be over the pain yet. But, I think of Alex being pissed, of _you_ alive and smiling and I want to be. So, I just, I am trying..."  
  
"I'm not okay either, Maggie. I... Alex was the center of my world. She was my hero. I loved her with all my heart. I don't think I will ever be _okay_ . But, she taught me how to breathe. How to keep going when all I want to do is sleep and never wake up. I’m still a mess, too. I just, I have her voice in my head reminding me. And, I had _you_ . Not as a replacement or anything like that, but as someone who understands. Who cares about me, and who I care about."  
  
Maggie looks down again, and Kara can tell she is ashamed.  
  
"You still have me, Kara."

Kara sighs, letting go of the smaller woman's hands and hugging herself.  
  
"Not... how I did. And not how I want."  
  
It's the moment of truth.  
  
Their eyes meet.  
  
Maggie's are terrified but desperately needy all at once.  
  
Kara hopes she is doing the right thing.  
  
"I love you, Maggie Sawyer. Not just as a friend, but as _more_ . I know you care about me too, but, I don't know what that _means_ for you."

"What does it mean for _you_ , Kara?"

She sees Maggie swallow hard, a look of determination settling over her face.  
  
It's a little unfair that Maggie is holding back now, but Kara knows it's her way of protecting them. Protecting Kara by letting her set the pace and the terms, and protecting herself from rejection in case she is wrong. Kara forgives her these little moments of cowardice because Maggie is one of the bravest people she knows.  
  
"I want you, Maggie. I want," she takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, visualizing. "I want to curl up on the couch with you every night after work - or in the morning if you're on nights - and watch stupid baking shows. I want to hold your hand and walk around in the sun, and share sticky buns at Noonan's, and, and I wanna have game nights where we beat the guys and Vasquez and Lucy and J'onn, even though he's a psychic and he totally cheats. I want to hold you when you have nightmares, and I want you to hold me when my senses go crazy and I can't block it out."  
  
Maggie is crying - Kara can taste the salt of her tears on the air, and keeps her eyes shut to give the other woman the space.  
  
"Kara, I... God, I want that too," Maggie says, voice barely a whisper. "I, I love you too."  
  
Kara smiles, eyes still closed. She visualizes more, the thoughts making her feel warm and a bit shy. Her breathing hitches a little, but she carries on.  
  
"I want to _kiss_ you, Maggie. Your hair, and your eyelids, and your hands, and your mouth. I want to kiss you breathless. I want to take you flying and kiss you in the clouds."  
  
"Kara... you, you don't have to say that. I'll never ask for more than what you can give me, you know? We never have to do anything like _that_ ."  
  
Now Kara does open her eyes, frowning hard. Maggie looks guilty, face wet, like she's done something wrong just by wanting her.  
  
Kara practically growls.  
  
"I'm not a child. And I'm perfectly capable of knowing what I want - what I _need_ \- in a relationship."  
  
"Kara," Maggie says, sorrowful but also a little annoyed. "You tried to have sex with me because Winn told you that you had to. And I, I almost _let_ you."  
  
"I-I wasn't ready yet. You can't punish me for that, it's not _fair_ ."  
  
Maggie raises an eyebrow, challenging her a little.  
  
"Kara, babe, you... you've never been overtly _sexual_ , you know? You've never really shown _interest_ in sex as long as I’ve known you. Like, at all. There's nothing wrong with that. But I was surprised when you, uh, _initiated_ things last time. And, I can't let you just do it because you think I'll leave you if you don't."  
  
"You're not listening, Maggie." Kara blows out a frustrated breath, resisting the urge to stomp her foot. "I wasn't _ready_ then. I wanted to want it, but I wasn't there yet. Not because of you, but because... I needed to process my feelings - about you, and intimacy with you. And you're right, I was acting out of fear then, but we promised to be honest, right? So, _let_ me be. I don't know if I am ready for sex yet - don't know how much of it I will want for _me_ , but, I _do_ want you. To kiss you. I think about you, making _you_ feel good and that feels _right_ to me. And I want you to touch me, just not all the places _you_ like to be touched. I think about _that_ and it feels good, and safe and like it would be pleasurable. You don't get to tell me I don't know what _I_ want."  
  
Maggie gapes, looking a bit like a fish out of water, and Kara can't help but giggle a little behind her hand.  
  
"I... have no idea how to respond," the detective admits, smiling slowly.  
  
Kara shrugs but grins, just a little bratty. "Honesty is the best policy."  
  
"Okay..." Maggie agrees, taking a deep breath and letting it out. "Yeah. Honest, and open. I..."  
  
Maggie clears her throat.

Kara sees that her hands are shaking and can't help but reach out and take them again. 

The smaller woman smiles a weak smile, clearly gathering herself.  
  
"I... I just don't have any way of knowing how much of that-" Maggie gestures, then rubs the back of her neck, "is you wanting to, I dunno, _please_ me." Kara raises an eyebrow and Maggie huffs. "I know you, Kara. You'll convince yourself you're okay with something to make people happy. Alex, she told me about the Red K thing. And Earth birthday... Christ, if I had known, I would _never_ have made plans that day."  
  
Kara has the good grace to look sheepish, but she squeezes the smaller woman's hands and shakes her head.  
  
"This is _different_ Maggie," she insists.  
  
Maggie pulls one of her hands away and grips her own leg, nails digging into the flesh hard enough to make the beds bloodless.  
  
"How do I know that, though? How do _you_ ? You, you're _so_ good at being a hero. All the damn time. But this, this _can’t_ be like that Kara. This has to be just you and me, completely true."  
  
Kara takes the hand again, plays with the fingers until they relax.

She frowns. 

On the face of it, Maggie's words are hurtful - she doesn't seem to trust Kara to know her own mind, thinks she knows better. Except, Kara knows Maggie is _afraid_ . That this is about the detective's fears, not about Kara.  
  
"Do you think I'm lying to you?" she asks patiently, looking into Maggie's eyes earnestly.  
  
"What? No, not at all, I just... It's just-"  
  
"You don't think I know myself well enough for consent?"  
  
Maggie winces, trying to pull away again. Kara doesn't let her.  
  
"No... I mean, no just." The detective sighs, frustrated. "I'm sorry. This isn't coming out right."  
  
Kara smiles, half encouraging, half cheeky.  
  
"You're afraid."  
  
Maggie closes her eyes and slumps a little.  
  
"Yeah. And, sorry, it's not fair to put that on you. I just, consent - it's a _really_ big deal to me. As a woman, and as a cop. I just, yeah..."  
  
Kara scoots closer, so their legs are pressed together at the knees, and leans in so she can rest her forehead against Maggie's.  
  
The smaller woman jerks in surprise, but then relaxes, letting the contact happen.  
  
"Do you trust me?" Kara asks.  
  
Maggie nods minutely. "With my life."  
  
Kara grins now, the words warming her.  
  
"Good. I, that makes me feel good." She tilts her head, nuzzling Maggie's cheek. "Do you trust yourself?"  
  
Maggie swallows hard, head shaking back a forth once almost indiscernible.  
  
"I... I don't know."  
  
"What do you want?" Kara asks, letting go of the smaller woman's hands and moving to rest her forearms on her shoulders lightly, fingers coming up to toy with the hair at the nape of her neck.  
  
Maggie takes a shuddering breath, jaw flexing.  
  
"I... I want you to be _happy_. And safe."  
  
"Thank you. But you know what I meant, Mags. What do you _want_. Please be honest."  
  
"I... I want _you_ . But on _your_ terms."  
  
"My terms? Terms I set?"  
  
Maggie nods, the movement softly rubbing their cheeks together.  
  
This is closer than they have been - not counting their disastrous last encounter - in _so_ long. Kara has missed her so much...  
  
"If I set terms, will you respect them?"  
  
She can feel Maggie's eyes flutter open, the lashes gently brushing her face.  
  
"Yeah, of course."  
  
"And will you be angry at me or punish me if I’m not comfortable, uh, _doing_ something? Or if I change my mind about being okay with something?"  
  
Maggie tries to pull back, but Kara keeps her close, using just enough strength to hold her but not so much that if Maggie really wanted to move she couldn't.  
  
"Of course not! That's, Jesus no, _never!"_  She sounds appalled.

Kara's smile is wide and happy.

The blonde pulls away enough so that they can comfortably look into each other's eyes, but stays close enough so that one move will bring them together.  
  
"So," she says softly, "you trust me to set my own terms in this _relationship,_ and you trust yourself enough to respect them?"

Maggie's expression is embarrassed, a little self deprecating.

  
"Well, when you put it like _that._.."  
  
Kara laughs a little, soft and pleased.  
  
"I am putting it like that."  
  
Maggie's smirk eases into a small smile, and they stare at each other for long moments, content to just be.  
  
Kara reaches over and pulls Maggie's legs over hers, so that the smaller woman is practically in her lap. (When they were still _close_ , before the rift, Kara would usually be the one that ended up in this position. She finds it both comforting and thrilling, and hopes Maggie feels the same.)  
  
"Hi," she says, leaning back against the couch and resting her head on her hand.  
  
"Hey," Maggie responds, shy. Her eyes flicker from Kara's lips to her own lap and back again a few times.  
  
"What are you thinking?" Kara asks, genuinely curious, and also hopeful.  
  
Maggie shrugs. "That we, uh, have a _lot_ more to talk about, but that my brain is sorta too mushy for it now."  
  
Kara nods, wiggling so that literally any other movement and Maggie is going to be in her lap.  
  
"What do you want to do?" She asks, resting her free hand on the clenched ones in Maggie's lap.  
  
"I... I want to kiss you," the detective admits, eyes closing for a moment in defeat. They flutter back open though. "We're complicated, and we have to... we have to talk about Alex, and other things but, I just... I don't need a lot right now, just-"  
  
Before she can work up into a full ramble, Kara moves, kissing her gently but firmly. She pours all of what she is feeling into the kiss, all the want and confusion and _love_ and need she has for the smaller woman and... Just, everything that she feels.  
  
Maggie sighs a little, relaxing against Kara's body and bringing both hands up to cup the Kryptonian's face.  
  
Kara kisses her slowly, soft, full of longing but content to take it easy - to show Maggie that she is here, in this moment, not performing a duty but reveling in what they are sharing.  
  
She can feel Maggie holding back, can feel the almost hunger in her that she is fighting against. It's in the way the detective's fingers curl against her skin and the way she pushes forward with her lips (until the press of teeth can be felt, not hard or sharp but definitely there), but backs off with her tongue, only losing control a little (when it brushes against the seam of Kara's lips, quickly disappearing after only a second). It makes Kara grin into the kiss.  
  
The blonde pulls back, giggling, kissing Maggie's chin and cheeks and nose.  
  
"Sorry," Maggie mutters, eyes still closed, cheeks flushing red.  
  
"Don't apologize for wanting me," Kara replies easily, snuggling close, holding Maggie almost like an oversized teddy bear. "I'll let you know if  I'm uncomfortable with what's happening."  
  
"Promise?" Maggie asks, voice small and worried.  
  
Kara nods, kissing Maggie's neck almost chastely. "Yeah. We'll talk about specifics, but, I promise I'll always tell you."  
  
"Okay," Maggie nods, shifting over some so she is back to sitting on the couch and not Kara.  
  
She seems to need the distance, so Kara lets her go, missing the contact immediately.  
  
"Will you tell me too?" Kara asks, eyebrows climbing her forehead, suddenly worried she's done something wrong.  
  
"What?"  
  
"If I, you know, do something that makes you uncomfortable. Promise to tell me?"  
  
Maggie smiles, reassuring, and nods.  
  
"Sure. There's not much I don't like. I... am very, uh, _tactile._ "  
  
Nodding again, Kara frowns.  
  
She liked the kiss, wants to keep doing it - thinks they need to find how they fit physically again even. But she can feel Maggie pulling away some. She's not psychic, but she can guess why.  
  
Maggie is tensing again, lips thinning in that way they do when she is worried she has said or done too much, revealed too much of herself.  
  
If Kara had to bet, she would say Maggie is trying not to overwhelm her with this, is afraid of needing too much too quickly. No matter _what_ they say out loud right now, Maggie is still vulnerable and scared. It'll take a while for her to fully trust herself and them - and Kara suspects for a while, she'll have to be the one who initiates things, who sets the pace.  
  
That's fine with her, being in control for now. It makes her feel steady, like Maggie trusts her even if she doesn't trust herself.  
  
"May I kiss you again?" Kara asks, smiling gently.  
  
Maggie nods immediately. "Literally anytime you want," she assures.  
  
"Can I get closer to you?" Kara asks, even as she is moving.  
  
Maggie nods, eyes going wide when Kara straddles her lightly, putting _just_ enough weight on the smaller woman so that she can be felt, but not much more than that. She slides her hands into Maggie's hair, thrilled at the feel of it between her fingers.  
  
Maggie, to her credit, takes it in stride, rests her hands on Kara's hips but doesn’t put any pressure there.  
  
Kara enjoys the touch, finds it grounding. She settles more firmly into Maggie's lap and moves forward, head tilting to the side as she goes.  
  
She kisses Maggie more enthusiastically this time, using her teeth on the soft flesh of her bottom lip, nipping at her playfully. Maggie groans, hands flexing minutely, squirming a bit under her, and Kara is delighted.  
  
She feels a rush of warmth in her chest - she is making Maggie feel good, but just as importantly, _she_ feels good. She feels secure and comfortably-uncomfortable in the way that desire can leave someone.  
  
She moves her efforts to Maggie's neck, liking the way it makes the smaller woman start to breathe heavily.  
  
"God..." Maggie groans, hands tugging Kara closer, so their bodies are flush together, before easing off her grip.  
  
Kara sighs, moving back to Maggie's mouth and takes it more roughly, opening her own, hoping the woman beneath her gets the message.  
  
She does, tracing her tongue along Kara's lips and dipping inside teasingly, like she is forgetting to be afraid.  
  
One of Kara's hands moves down, lightly brushing against Maggie's cheek before slipping down to cup her breast.  
  
Maggie rips her mouth away immediately, panting and resting her forehead against Kara's temple.  
  
"T-timeout, wait," she says, voice shaky with want and nerves.  
  
"I'm sorry," Kara says, pulling back.  
  
Maggie grabs her hand, crushing it against her chest, not letting her move.  
  
"N-no, it's okay. I liked it. I just, I'm kinda, uh, I'm a little raw right now. I want... This is embarrassing, Jesus, but I- it's _been a while._.."  
  
Charmed, Kara settles back into the smaller woman's lap, nuzzling her cheek and kissing her chin.  
  
"There is nothing about you wanting me - or you wanting sex - that makes me uncomfortable. I _like_ that you want me, Maggie. Even if _I_ don't want to be touched the same way, I like that you want me to touch _you_. I promise."  
  
Maggie nods, body twitching a little, hips jerking seemingly against her will.  
  
"Okay. That's great, it really... It means a lot to me. But just, I don't think _I'm_ ready right now, as much as my body is saying otherwise. I wanna do this right, y'know?"  
  
Kara nods, kissing her deeply one more time to show her she's heard and accepted, that Kara wants but is happy to keep it to this.  
  
"Do you want to stop?" She asks, pulling back.  
  
"... yes and no. No but we should, I mean, because I am about two more kisses from letting you... do whatever it is you want to do."

Kara nods. "My research has left me with a few ideas," she says innocently, batting her eyelashes. She leans forward so she can speak softly into Maggie's ear. "When you're ready, I’d very much like to explore you with my hands and mouth. There are a few spots I've read about I'd like to see if I can find..."

"Jesus, Kara," Maggie hisses, hips bucking a little. "How is this even real? How is this happening? In what universe am _I_ the blushing damsel?"  
  
Kara giggles again, burying her face in the smaller woman's neck and snuggling close.  
  
"The one where you’re figuring out how to navigate your fear and my sexuality," the blonde reasons, sighing happily when Maggie's arms circle her and hold her close.  
  
"Way to read me out loud, Blondie." Maggie grumbles, rubbing her cheek against the top of Kara's head.  
  
They sit like that for a while, pressed close, as Maggie's body calms down and they both reacquaint with touching each other.  
  
"This is nice," Maggie murmurs after a while, sounding like she is slipping off to sleep.  
  
Pulling back, Kara looks her in the eyes, adoring just how much the smaller woman looks like a sleepy cat.  
  
"Will you stay?" She asks, biting her lower lip.  
  
She knows it’s a lot, with them having just admitted how they feel, but she has missed her Maggie so much.  
  
Maggie looks torn for a moment, and Kara prepares herself to hide the disappointment of the let down.  
  
"Yeah. I'll stay." Maggie smiles, poking Kara in the side, eye twinkling at the little ticklish jerk she gets in response. "No funny business, you," she teases, but her tone is relaxed and trusting.  
  
Kara kisses her again, just because she can, and nods happily.  
  
"Only super serious business," she teases.  
  
Maggie sticks out her tongue and shoves at Kara until she gets off. She stands and rolls her shoulders, taking a deep breath in and letting it out noisily, scrubbing at her face.  
  
"You okay?" Kara asks, suddenly nervous.  
  
Maggie nods and smiles, reaching down for Kara's hand and pulling her up off the couch and into a long hug.  
  
"I'm... I'm good. There's... this weight that was there, for a long time - months now - probably since I... I, uh ditched you. And it's just... gone now. I missed you, so much."  
  
They hold each other so long, Kara forgets a time when they were apart.  
  
Without another word, she bends and lifts Maggie into her arms, carrying her off to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left. All i will say is that it is Maggie centric.
> 
> Thanka for sticking with it folks!


	8. Maggie IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara loves kissing. It surprises Maggie - a lot. She's never really dated someone demisexual before, and had no idea what to expect going in. Kara could be happy kissing all day. And she is very, very good at it.
> 
> \----
> 
> Ups and downs and coming to terms...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN 1: See 1st chapter for disclaimers.
> 
> AN 2: This is the end of this little story, but, I am already working on a sequel. Details on the endnote of this chapter.
> 
> AN 3: I think I got them to that hopeful place. There is a bit of angst in the middle of the chapter, but overall, lighter?
> 
> AN 4: The 2x19 scenes of Maggie and Alex literally wrecked me. I love them so much. And the Kara and Maggie enemies to bros was dope.
> 
> AN 5: No betas, no way no how... (aka I am too impatient)

With Kara, Maggie is sometimes afraid that she might be pushing for things that aren't necessarily wanted. It makes her hesitant, which annoys Kara a little but, also makes the blonde more inclined to make the first move. To _show_ Maggie that what she wants is okay.  
  
It doesn't take them as much time to find their rhythm as Maggie thought it would. Once they talk things out - well, _start_ talking, because there would never be a time where that kind of communication _ended_ \- she loses the nervousness surrounding some of their physical encounters.  
  
Kara, Maggie quickly learns, is okay with most touching in general, as long as the intent isn't overtly sexual to begin with. Which Maggie knew already, but the pressure of awareness made her forget for a while.  
  
Touch, to Kara, is intense and immediate, but she trusts the smaller woman enough not to be overwhelmed by her.  
  
Kara likes it when Maggie runs her hands over her shoulders or back, when she scratches her scalp softly, when she pulls her close and into her lap for cuddles or kisses, and even when she comes up from behind and presses close, squeezing her hips. Kara enjoys massages - the harder the better - and tolerates tickling the same way anyone else would. She seems to like it a lot when Maggie cups the back of her neck and asks if Kara would mind touching her. (This is their agreed upon way for Maggie to initiate sex - it's what makes _her_ the most comfortable, though it embarrasses her a little.)  
  
Maggie learns that Kara loves driving her crazy. The taller woman is tickled pink whenever Maggie loses control a little. She seems to live to make the detective groan.  
  
Also, kissing.  
  
Kara _loves_ kissing. It surprises Maggie - a _lot_. She's never really dated someone demisexual before, and had no idea what to expect going in. Kara could be happy kissing all day. And she is very, very good at it.  
  
Kara also seems to be into receiving some sexual attention too, but only after she's had her turn touching Maggie first. Maggie notices that the more turned on _she_ is, the more Kara seems to encourage her to touch back.  
  
After Maggie's had an orgasm, Kara might pull the smaller woman's face to her breasts, or her hands to her ass. On occasion, after Maggie has climaxed two or three times, Kara may roll them over and gently indicate that she wants to be touched lower. (Never penetrated, and mostly with Maggie's mouth, but there are times when she _wants_ , and Maggie is more than happy to oblige.)  
  
Her anatomy is different but analogous, and absolutely beautiful. Anytime Kara allows Maggie to touch her is an honor, and Maggie does her best to make sure she never makes Kara feel uncomfortable or unsafe, and always, _always_ wanted.  
  
The only time that they really misunderstand each other is the first time that they are together when Maggie is 'hemorrhaging to death for seven goddamn days' and Kara is curious. She's gotten comfortable enough to ask Maggie for sex - to touch the smaller woman - freely, and Maggie wants so badly never to discourage her that she agrees, even though it's the first day and she feels like she is actually turning inside out.  
  
Kara assures her that she read orgasms were good for cramps anyway.  
  
Maggie does her best to relax, even manages a small release, but after, Kara pulls away and won't come close like she normally does while the smaller woman recovers.  
  
"You okay?" Maggie asks, worried that Kara's grossed out.  
  
Maggie herself isn't really bothered by the blood, mostly just the feeling of her body trying to eat itself, but it only occurs to her after that she has never actually noticed Kara using pads or tampons and that the Kryptonian might not be as _intimately_ _acquainted_ with this particular bodily function.  
  
"You... you didn't want to do it," Kara accuses, hugging her legs to her body, shielding herself from view.  
  
"Wha?" Maggie is climax-confused and feels desperately in need of strapping on another pad.

"You didn't pull me close, or make that _noise_ you make, or smile after. You didn't _want_ me to touch you! But, you-you let me do it _anyway._ " Kara sounds betrayed, on the verge of tears, and it snaps Maggie out of her slight stupor. "You _promised_ you would be honest with me, would tell me if we were doing something you didn't like."  
  
Oh.  
  
"Kara..."  
  
"No! We _promised_."  
  
It has been a while since Maggie had heard the other woman so distraught.  
  
"Kara, look, I'm not gonna lie and say sex during the first day of my period is like a _thing_ for me, but, did you hear me safeword out?"  
  
Kara glares.  
  
" _No_. But you... I know when you're into it," Kara mutters, and Maggie is _definitely_ not a fan of having her words parroted back to her.  
  
Maggie huffs and rolls her eyes, but reminds herself that this is legitimately a big deal from Kara's perspective. So she sits up, wincing at the feel of what she is sure are needle nosed pliers  twisting at her insides, and motions for one of Kara's hands.  
  
The blonde shakes her head and doesn't reach out.  
  
"Listen, it's not that it didn't feel good, or that I didn't want you to touch me, okay. I just... feel achy and kinda gross when it's the first day. Not that there's anything intrinsically gross about it, just, I feel icky. But like, not icky enough to turn down orgasms."  
  
Kara frowns, suspicious, but uncurls a little.  
  
"Would you have asked to..." Kara makes a sweeping gesture.  
  
Maggie uses that as an opportunity to catch the blonde's hand, interlacing their fingers.  
  
"No, probably not. But I'm a grown ass woman and am perfectly capable and comfortable saying _no_ when I mean no. _Especially_ with my partner. You'd never force the issue if I did."  
  
"Of _course_ I wouldn't," Kara replies, appalled.  
  
Maggie grins, shaking their linked hands.  
  
"I know you understand consent better than most people. What's really bothering you?"  
  
Kara looks down, biting her lip, nose twitching a little in discomfort.  
  
"I... sometimes I get so caught up in the moment - in being with you in general, not just sex - that it's hard for me to read subtle cues. Especially when I am curious or, I dunno, _investigating_? I know if you're more than capable of saying a hard no, but... I dunno, there are a lot of soft no's and 'I would rather you didn't's that I miss."  
  
Kara shrugs, forehead crinkling in distress, and it takes all of Maggie's self control not to reach out and pull her in for a kiss. She knows that the taller woman needs to get this out, though, so she resists the urge.  
  
"Go on."  
  
"I just, I think that's okay sometimes, it's part of life and not really harmful as isolated instances, but if it becomes a-a _pattern_ , then it can be bad. That it can lead to you not trusting me to take care of you, as your partner. Does... does this make sense?"  
  
Maggie's smile is big, she can feel the dimples.  
  
"Yeah Blondie, it makes sense."  
  
Now she _does_ pull Kara in, kissing her thoroughly, until she relaxes against the smaller woman's body in a puddle.  
  
"No fair, distracting me like that when we're talking," Kara mutters, but goes in for another kiss.  
  
It is soft and sweet, and Maggie is overwhelmed a bit with emotion.  
  
"I love you, Kara Danvers. You know that?"  
  
Kara giggles, wriggling and squirming until she is pressed tight against Maggie's side, head pillowed on her shoulder.  
  
"Awesome."  
  
Maggie toys with a strand of Kara's hair as she thinks about how to respond.  
  
"I don't mind going outside of my comfort zone a little with you, because I _do_ trust you not to push me to do something I don't really want to do. Sex, it's different for me than for you - not just the obvious, you know?" She feels Kara shrug, feels her tense just a little. "There are things I really like - which for me is a _broad_ category, and I'm not ashamed of that. Then there are things I hate, which I don't budge on ever. There is stuff I don't prefer but don't mind doing. And, there are things that I would rather not do - for a wide variety of reasons - but can compromise on, if I don't have to do them often and if I decide I am done with it I can just stop."

"I... I only ever want to do the stuff you really enjoy," Kara whispers, hiding her face against the side of Maggie's breast.  
  
Maggie smiles a soft, fond smile.  
  
"Babe, it's not so black and white for me as it is for you. The gray area stuff, it's okay for you to ask for. There are things I would happily do for you that I don't necessarily enjoy for me. But also there are things I am happy to let you try or do for me that I don't necessarily care for, because you enjoy them and they don't really cause me distress."  
  
Kara frowns, expression still doubtful, and Maggie kisses her nose, getting a surprised snort for her trouble.  
  
"I just want to be sure we both get what we want - what we _need_ \- without anyone getting hurt."  
  
"I know babe, and your suggestion of safewords as a way to help with that was great. But, I mean... Okay, look, it's like that thing we tried two weeks ago that you really, _really_ liked. Doesn't really do much for my body, but it was something that you enjoyed. If you wanted to do that again, I may not necessarily orgasm or like, even really physically get stimulated, but, you do and it doesn't bother me to. That's _me_ though."  
  
"The ends don't justify the means for me, Maggie."  
  
Kara sounds a little annoyed, and Maggie has to force herself not to respond in kind. This is important, and she won't let her temper derail the conversation.  
  
"I think that's a decision you get to make for _yourself_. But, just like I have no say over how you feel and what you are comfortable doing, _you_ don't get to make those decisions for _me_ either. Sex sometimes means different things to us. For me, one of those things is a recreational activity - and sometimes for me that comes with doing things that aren't necessarily my thing to enhance the overall experience. Nothing too far off the path, just... you know."  
  
Now it's Maggie's turn to wave vaguely.  
  
"It seems... counter productive to me," the blonde says, clearly still not convinced.  
  
Maggie chuckles and kisses her gently for a long moment before moving away.  
  
"It's like, imagine you have this big plate of food, right, and on it are a bunch of things - most of which you love, some of which you are neutral about, some of which you will tolerate with enough cheese, and some you loath. If eating the third kind of thing gets me dessert, I am fine with that - like I said, enough cheese and it's all good."  
  
"Are orgasms the dessert in this scenario?" Kara asks, raising an eyebrow.  
  
Her expression suggests she is being cheeky in response to Maggie's oversimplification of the situation, as if Maggie could forget the taller woman is an actual living and breathing genius, but the detective snorts and takes the question at face value anyway, in case there is any sincerity to it.  
  
"The dessert is both of us enjoying the experience overall, smart alec."  
  
"But... what we did now, did the... less than enjoyable parts get voided out by the goal? Did we reach that state of equilibrium?"  
  
Maggie shrugs but smiles gently, shimmying down so they are nose to nose.  
  
"Orgasms to me, especially the ones _you_ give me, are like potstickers are to you: it doesn't matter if you had food poisoning, you wouldn't turn one down, and as long as I am in control of my own mind I won't either. Not that you _can_ get food poisoning, but work with me here."  
  
"A world that I can get food poisoning in is an actual nightmare world, and I refuse to think about _that_ anymore."  
  
They both chuckle, and Maggie cups the side of Kara's neck, enjoying the warmth and strong heartbeat she can feel there.  
  
"I meant what I said before. If I am not really okay with something, I'll say so, okay? Trust me?"  
  
Kara looks down, lips pursed to the side. "Yeah. I just, I get nervous..."  
  
"You think you can really force me to do anything I don't want to happen?"  
  
Kara clears her throat, expression sheepish. "I mean, I'm stronger, and if I don't _notice_..." she mumbles.  
  
Maggie lets out a sharp 'heh' and pokes Kara hard in the ribs. The blonde squirms and whines a bit.  
  
"Okay, okay!"

They settle, and as they do Maggie's body is quick to remind her that it is trying to invert.  
  
"And on that note," she mutters, sliding out of bed and zipping into the bathroom.  
  
  
  
It takes them much longer to talk about Alex, and when they do, it takes them even longer to be able to speak without being miserable.  
  
They fight. More than once.  
  
Kara can be oblivious and Maggie defensive, especially when they are trying to dance along the edges of the ragged place that Alex's memory sits.  
  
Maggie ends up on Vasquez couch. More than once.  
  
(Kara does too, but it is only twice, and barely for half a night before she gets a phone call from Maggie asking her to come home.)  
  
Kara ends up hiding out in J'onn office or James living room. More than once.  
  
(Maggie does too, but only as long as it takes either man to decipher what she is rambling about because Kara always comes quickly and takes her home.)  
  
It's not _always_ Maggie's fault, but it feels like it is. She can't separate where her overreactions and her justified anger and pain are. And she has even more trouble calling Kara out when she really is being unfair, because Alex was Kara's person, but also because there will never be a time when Maggie doesn't at least a little believe that she caused the death of her lover.  
  
Maggie still feels weird that she is with Kara after being with Alex first.  
  
Kara understands this, and also sometimes feels like she used Maggie's grief and need to protect her to accidentally manipulate her into their relationship.  
  
Maggie thinks that is ridiculous, and if anyone took advantage it was _her_ of Kara, who was vulnerable.  
  
Of course they never come out and say it like this. They are both too scared of being right. So, they fight. Sometimes loudly, though never really harshly - they care about each other too much to try and hurt each other on purpose.  
  
It stops, though, when Kara is over at Maggie's place one day (one of the rare days), waiting for the smaller woman to get back from doing laundry.  
  
("Why can't you do it near _my_ place?" the blonde had whined, practically stomping her foot.  
  
" _Because_ , it is literally four times more expensive around you." Maggie had responded. "Besides, I have to water my plants...")  
  
This is how it goes, according to Kara:  
  
_Kara is bored, and is snooping through the fridge, looking for some ice cream or maybe some frozen empanadas to heat up, when her searching fingers hit an oddly fuzzy block of ice._ _  
_ _  
_ _Thinking that mold had managed to grow in Maggie's freezer somehow, Kara shrieks (it_ has _to be alien mold, and there is no telling if it is sentient or not) and jerks away. The movement dislodges the offending object and out of the fridge comes flying a small, black velvet covered, icicle encrusted box._ _  
_ _  
_ _Before it can land, Kara has it cradled in her hands._ _  
_ _  
_ _She stares at it for long moments, unable to fathom what she is holding. (Really, she knows instantly, and just the idea that Maggie has been hiding this from not Kara, but_ herself _, is painful and hard to bear. At least that is what she tells Maggie later, when they can talk about it more easily.)_  
  
  
That's how Maggie finds her an hour later when she walks into the apartment, dragging her half broken shopping cart full of laundry behind her.  
  
"Hey babe, you okay?" She calls, confused when she gets further in and finds Kara frozen in place. "Why is the fridge open?"  
  
Kara doesn't answer, just turns around, tears streaming down her face as she clutches the box.  
  
Seeing the small square, immediately, Maggie's body goes numb.  
  
"Kara, what... _Why do you have that_?"  
  
"I-I'm... I'm _so_ sorry Mags. I, I was looking for ice cream, and-"  
  
She's cut off, startled, by Maggie scrambling forward and snatching the box away.  
  
"You had _no right_ ," Maggie says, voice oddly calm and deadly serious.  
  
Kara nods enthusiastically, mortified. "You're right, I-I didn't, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to."  
  
Maggie's hand, the one not hiding the box against her own chest, raises and she points to the door.  
  
"Get out." Her words are cold and hard like ice.

Tears continue to pour from Kara's eyes, but she doesn't argue. Instead she walks by her lover, close enough that she can feel her warmth and magnetic pull but not quite close enough to touch. She sways towards her, but Maggie jerks away, refusing the look at her.  
  
She stops just behind the smaller woman, and Maggie can almost feel Kara fighting the urge to hug her.  
  
"I swear to you I would never, ever look purposefully through your things without your permission. I'm so sorry."  
  
Maggie doesn't know how to respond to that - can't, because the horror and fear and blinding pain and panic have closed her throat. It's all she can do to breathe and stay upright.  
  
"I know. G-go... please?" She manages through the jagged bits of broken glass that her throat has become.  
  
And Kara does, closing the door behind herself.  
  
Maggie slowly sinks to her knees. She spends the rest of the day alternating between feeling like she is on fire, crying and gasping, and feeling like her insides are frozen, unable to do anything but exist and stare into space.

  
  
At midnight, she has managed to pull enough of the tatters of herself together to feel able to go find Kara. She needs the younger woman to understand that she isn't angry at her, never was.  
  
She checks her phone, glad when she sees a message from J'onn that just reads,  
  
_She's at home. I'm with her._  
  
  
She shows up at Kara's just as it starts to rain.  J'onn opens the door before she can knock.  
  
(She has a key, of course, but she never uses it when they are fighting - or things are tense, since she is pretty sure there was no actual _fight_ this time).

"She's resting, in the living room," he says quietly, no judgment in his voice.  
  
Maggie has no doubt that Kara's told him what happened - probably harsher on herself than she should have been.  
  
"I... she didn't mean to," Maggie offers, but her voice is raw and desperate even to her own ears. "I know she didn't..."  
  
J'onn just nods, expression mournful, and moves to let her in.  
  
How _does_ he feel about the situation, about Maggie moving from one of his daughters to the other, the detective wonders, disgusted with herself.  
  
As she walks by, the large man stops her with a gentle hand on her shoulder.  
  
"There is nothing that would make me happier than for you to understand that the love and trust that we have placed in you is justified," he says, sounding tired but sincere. "You are family. Please know that."  
  
He pulls her into a brief hug, engulfing her in his huge warm arms.

J'onn smells of some earthy dark spice, like cloves or cardamom, and the scent wraps around her too, smoothing her a bit. She feels safe, and loved, like she hasn't since she was a little girl back home running to her Papa to keep the nightmares at bay.

Maggie has to close her eyes and breathe through her nose slowly in order to keep from crying again. She's so tired of crying.  
  
Her arms come up and she returns the hug, before pulling away and clearing her throat.  
  
"Uh, t-thanks J'onn," she murmurs, embarrassed by how much she needed to hear those words.  
  
He nods at her again then moves past her out the door, looking back for a moment.  
  
"Be kind to Kara, but be kind to you too. And maybe sometime soon we can... talk about Alex, too. There are parts to her that both of us knew that the other did not - bits of her happiness, I think. I would like to share mine with you."  
  
The moment is heavy and earnest. Maggie can't help herself.  
  
"I don't know if she'd want me to share some of the ways I've known her, Old Man," she says with a smirk.  
  
He rolls his eyes but smiles a small, fond smile.  
  
"There are some things a parent should never know," he agrees. He indicates the apartment with a lift of his chin. "Go on. You can horrify me into a psychic coma later."  
  
He continues out the door, closing and locking it behind himself, and she turns with a chuckle.  
  
Kara is waiting for her on the couch, laying across it, wrapped in a throw and breathing evenly. Her eyes are open though - and Maggie knows she doesn't really sleep much anyway - so the smaller woman gently lifts her head and shoulders and slides into the seat, settling her lover onto her lap.  
  
"I'm so sorry..." Kara whimpers, miserable as Maggie's ever heard her.  
  
She runs her fingers through limp golden hair, softly scratching at Kara's scalp, and chews on her bottom lip.  
  
There's nothing to forgive, she wants to say, because there isn't, but the words stick in her throat.  
  
"I... Kara, it... she didn't know," she says instead,  closing her eyes and failing to stop the tears this time.  
  
"Oh Mags..."  
  
Kara sits up, pressing close and brushing her thumbs across Maggie's cheeks.  
  
"She, she _deserved_ to know, y'know? I loved her _so much_ , and I had that ring for a while, and I was too much of a coward. And she _died_ not _knowing_ that I would have spent the rest of my life with her. Knowing for sure, y'know?"  
  
She's sobbing, giant, heaving, painful sobs.  
  
Kara pulls her close, cradles her face against her neck.  
  
"She knew, Maggie, she knew. Of _course_ she knew."  
  
Maggie tries to pull away, but Kara holds her fast, with just enough force that she understands that Kara isn't going anywhere but not enough to hurt her.  
  
"She couldn't have - I never gave it _to_ her, I was too scared she'd freak out. Even if it was for like a day, I-I couldn't bear that. So I hid it away. A-and when she died, I couldn't just throw it _away_ , y'know."  
  
Kara lays kisses on her cheeks, her head, her closed eyelids. She is shamed at the comfort she takes from them - she is supposed to be apologizing here.

She pulls away again, successful this time, and cups Kara's cheeks.  
  
"You-you didn't do _anything_ wrong, okay? I hid it there because I couldn't handle being such a coward. And when you pulled it out, it-it all came rushing back, okay? And fuck, the guilt of it being _you_ that found it? Jesus, Kara. You're her _sister._ "  
  
Kara frowns, pulling her head back, eyes narrowing.  
  
" _This_ again?" She asks, not amused.  
  
"Yeah. This again. I'm _trying_ , okay? I love you, so fucking much, but that doesn't _erase_ how I felt for her - how I _feel_ for her. It looks like I am hiding that from you, you know? But I’m _not_. And, God, it doesn't erase the fact that to anybody looking in, I'm a shady opportunist."  
  
Now Kara is glaring.  
  
"I don't want _us_ to erase your love for _her_. I loved her too. _Different_ than you did, maybe, but she deserved every moment of happiness and love she had and a million times more. And _fuck_ whoever thinks that about you!" Kara all but growls, nostrils flaring (Maggie is absolutely _scandalized_ at the swear). "That's not who you are, and you _know_ that and I _know_ that and everyone who matters _knows that!_ "  
  
Maggie nods, swallowing hard.  
  
"Sometimes. And sometimes I remember that look in your face when you got to us, on that field, and I think about how I put that there and it kills me. It kills me that I would dare love you so much when I loved her so much." Maggie's shouting and she can't help it. She gasps for air, lungs aching. "I am _trying,_  Kara, I swear to you. _I am trying_..."  
  
She breaks down, crying uglier than she has ever cried in her life. She lets Kara pull her close, guilt licking up her skin like fire.  
  
She should apologize.  
  
Yeah. Definitely.  
  
"Sorry. I didn't mean to freak out l," she says in between gut wrenching sobs. "I wanted to explain. That I loved her that much, but I love you too. I wanted to tell you that it, it's _hers_ , she deserved to have it, but it doesn’t mean I can’t love you like that."  
  
She feels Kara nod.  
  
"Give it to her," the younger woman murmurs, rubbing her back.  
  
Maggie is so startled, she stops crying.  
  
"W-what?"  
  
Kara pulls back, swallowing a watery smile.  
  
"You said it's hers, yeah? She... she should have it. Why don't you give it to her?"  
  
Maggie is quiet for long time, heart beating a mile a minute.  
  
"I... is that okay?" She asks, finally, not daring to look at Kara.  
  
"Yeah. I, there are parts of you that will _always_ belong to her, and that's okay. I... what you feel for me is separate. You have so much capacity for love, there is more than enough room."  
  
Maggie takes a deep, shuddering breath. She needs to be sure.  
  
"Can we... can we visit her? I... I want to, if it's okay."  
  
She looks Kara in the eye, opening herself up completely.  
  
"I love you." Kara says.  
  
"I love you too."  
  
Kara nods, smiling and pulling her back in. "I know."  
  
  
Maggie's only been back to the cemetery once since the funeral - on the anniversary of Alex's death. It had rained and thundered and Maggie and Kara had ended up fighting. (It was the one time Maggie had gotten blind drunk since waking up in that hospital room.)

It had _not_ been a good day.  
  
This time it's sunny, the birds twittering in the trees.  
  
Kara stays back, letting Maggie have her time alone (but still there for support).  
  
Maggie sits down in front of the tombstone, wiping at the slight grime that has built up in the grooves of the letters.  
  
She talks, stumbling at first but then finding her stride. Everything she's wanted to say, for so long, even before Alex died. About all the things they had done, and all the things they would never get to do - vacations they would never take, pets they would never fight over naming, nurseries they would never paint on lazy Sundays with Nina Simone or Harry Belafonte playing in the background...  
  
She talks for over an hour. She talks until she cries and then until she is out of tears. The whole time she feels Kara at her back, strong and steady.  
  
She fishes the small, worn velvet box out of her pocket, holding it tight enough to make her palm ache for a moment before opening it. It resists, creaking in protest, before giving up the ghost.  
  
Inside sits a simple white gold band, thin and unobstructive, with a trio of small stones - a garnet in between two diamonds. Nothing extravagant or bank breaking, but something that Maggie would have given anything to see on Alex's finger.

Maggie takes it out of the box, and lets it sit in her palm, feeling the weight.  
  
"This... this is yours. I got it for you a long time ago. I... I know you knew, that I loved you. I just, I hope you understood _how much._ "  
  
She takes a shuddering breath, refusing to cry again.  
  
She lays the ring on the top of the gravestone, leaning forward and resting her forehead against Alex's name for a second.  
  
Kara comes forward then, resting one hand on Maggie's shoulder and one over top the ring.  
  
Maggie feels her tense and push down, using Maggie as support.  
  
When Kara pulls back, the ring is inset, a permanent part of Alex's grave. It looks as if it were built into the stone.  
  
Perfect.

  
  
Maggie isn't sure how Kara and Susan manage, but between the two of them they have convinced J'onn to hold a company picnic - complete with competitive baseball - and organized the best barbeque Maggie has ever been to.  
  
There is enough food to feed seven armies - or Kara and the forty agents (plus Maggie, Winn, and James) assembled.  
  
There are at least four different portable speakers vying for supremacy, and at least one pickup game of soccer.  
  
Maggie watches Agent Anderson succeed in pranking Winn and smiles. She is about 92% sure Anderson is trying to flirt, and finds it adorable.  
  
Susan wanders over and hands her a glass bottle of Coke (the good Mexican stuff, because Susan is a good person) and raises her own so they can clink them together.  
  
Kara waves at them from her position next to the grill - she is _so_ ready for this round of burgers and hotdogs.  
  
She feels warm and happy, bumps her friend's shoulder with her own.  
  
"We good?" Maggie asks, acknowledging that things had been rough for a while.  
  
Vasquez was one of her best friends, and she had leaned heavily on her since she had begun going through the process of figuring out how to cope better. Things had been especially intense since she and Kara had finally gotten together, and she owed Susan _a lot_ for all that she had put up with.  
  
Susan smiles without looking at her, raising her bottle at salute Kara.  
  
"Yeah Mags, we're good."  
  
Kara wanders over with two plates heaped with food.  
  
"Hi! Hungry?" She asks, shoving a plate at Maggie.  
  
It's mostly veggie burgers and a few ears of corn, along with a healthy serving of slaw and pickles.  
  
"I better be," the smaller woman says, eyes wide.  
  
J'onn motions for attention and announces twenty minutes until game time.  
  
"Ready to lose to your betters, agent?" Maggie teases Vasquez, taking a pull of her soda.  
  
"Bring it on, detective," Susan replies, resting against her for a moment before pulling away.  
  
The agent snags a hotdog off Kara's plate, dipping it in the puddle of mustard dripping off the side and taking a huge bite.  
  
"Hey!" Kara grumbles, but her eyes are smiling.  
  
Susan just smirks and chews, winking as she backs away.  
  
"Eat up - you'll need the energy to pick yourselves off the floor," she mocks, pointing her partially eaten food at Maggie, who sticks out her tongue.  
  
"And I thought Trainor Vasquez was tough. Off-duty Susan is kind of... intense," Kara stage whispers to Maggie, shoving half a burger into her mouth.  
  
"You should see her play Overwatch." Maggie whispers back, unable to keep the fondness out of her voice.  
  
"I heard Winn complaining about her somehow cheating because no one should be able to use   Zenyatta to win in 1 v 1. I have no idea what that means, but based on my experience with her, I  imagine it's both impressive and frustrating."  
  
Maggie shrugs, a little proud that Vasquez is such a badass across the board.  
  
"Gonna be tough to beat her team..." the detective notes, already gearing up for the challenge.  
  
"Guess we'll have to load up on protein and sugar, then."  
  
She and Kara grin at each other, before finding a shady spot and wolfing down what they can before the start of the game.

 

The teams are remarkably well balanced, considering there are a Kryptonian and a Martian involved.  
  
(J'onn and Kara are separated, and can only pitch/bat for each other, and are relegated to outfield otherwise. Susan and Winn come up with this solution, and it suits everyone except Kara just fine, who pouts the whole first inning she has to spend way out right.)  
  
As predicted, Kara and Maggie are put on the same team, opposite J'onn and Susan.  
  
"Should we go easy on them, sir?" Susan asks the D.E.O. Director, loud enough for Maggie to hear.  
  
"Absolutely not, agent. Show no mercy," J'onn order, cracking his neck and facing their opponents.  
  
Maggie turns to Kara, riled up and ready to go.  
  
"Let's give 'em hell, Supergirl," she commands, making a fist and punching her opposite, open palm with it.  
  
She feels the blood rise up her face, her body rushing with competition fueled adrenaline.  
  
"They won't know what hit 'em!" Kara agrees, bouncing up and down on her toes, clearly so excited she gets to play outside in the sunshine with her favorite people.  
  
  
In the end, J'onn and Susan's team takes the game, 5 to 3 after five innings.  
  
Maggie is sore and covered in sweat from head to toe, barely able to catch her breath as she collapses into the dirt.  
  
Kara follows her down, lying with her head on Maggie's shoulder, practically humming with energy. It's late in the day, and the sun is still going strong.  
  
"Good game, Mags," Kara murmurs, lifting her head so she can kiss the smaller woman gently on the lips.  
  
Maggie kisses back before she really thinks about it, only realizing what she is doing when Winn groans and tells them to 'get a room guys, jeez!'  
  
She freezes then, because even though they have been together for months now, they haven't _really_ gone public with their relationship.  
  
Maggie was afraid (is afraid, always afraid) that the others will be angry and disgusted with her, for taking advantage of Kara and sullying Alex's memory. (She is honestly surprised that they stayed friends with her once Alex was gone - had assumed she had no value to them outside of her connection to the other woman.)  
  
"It's okay," Kara whispers, stroking her cheek. "Please don't freak out? Just, breathe..."  
  
Fear takes Maggie's voice, and before she can get it back to respond, Winn whines again.  
  
"At least wait until after clean up? This stuff is heavy, guys, come on!"  
  
"Coming!" Kara calls, voice full of false cheer.  
  
She eyes Maggie closely, probably waiting to see  what kind of damage control she'll have to do.  
  
Maggie takes a deep breath in slowly, holds it for a few long seconds, then lets it out again.  
  
She doesn't want to be the kind of woman that makes her partner worried about public displays of affection. She has _never_ been that person, and she won't be be _now_ .  
  
"Stop your belly achin', tech boy!" She says loudly, sitting up and taking Kara with her.  
  
"My arms are sore from swinging that stupid wood bat," he complains, tone classic younger brother.  
  
She knows he is trying to show her he is cool with what's happening by ignoring it.  
  
She doesn't really need his permission, she decides, leaning forward and drawing Kara into a kiss that goes on for a small eternity.  
  
It's good. Good enough that Maggie - and Kara if the little moan she lets out is any indication - forget they are in public. Hands come up and tangle in her hair, and Maggie pulls Kara close by her button down.  
  
"Ahem," J'onn interrupts, and now Maggie blushes.  
  
"Ladies, please, there are children present," James teases, pointing to a bright red Winn.  
  
Winn slaps at his hand, glowering but unable to keep a smile off his face.  
  
"Losers clean up now, and make out later," the smaller man says, tapping at his watch. "After consolatory beers, paid for by the winners."  
  
" _That_ I can get behind," Maggie agrees, standing and offering Kara her hands.

  
Kara lets her pretend to do the work, clambering to her feet and wrapping her arms around Maggie so she is koalaing to her from behind. She rests her chin in Maggie's head.  
  
Maggie can practically taste the happiness radiating off of her.  
  
"You're heavy," she complains good naturedly, feeling warm and content and safe.  
  
"You love it," Kara replies easily, kissing the top of her head and chewing on a few strands of hair (it annoys the ever-living shit out of Maggie but seems to amuse the blonde).  
  
"I love you, you jerk," the smaller woman grumbles, shaking her head and breaking away.  
  
The fear and panic are still there, but the light, happy feeling of knowing that people care about her - that Kara loves her - is there too, bigger and stronger.  
  
She walks towards the others, smiling deep when she hears Kara call out in her sing-song voice, "I loooove you too!"  
  
"Good, yes, she loves you, you love her, we love you both. Hurry up, Vasquez is trying to reprogram my laptop to only play Hanson!" Winn shouts, running at the agent, who whistles innocently and walks away from the computer as it starts playing MmmBop.  
  
It's a good day. The best day she's had since... since.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with this one guys, it got longer than I intended.
> 
> So working on a sequel. 
> 
> The entire time I was writing this, it took everything I was to keep it Kara/Maggie and not turn it into Kara/Maggie/Vasquez. It wouldn't leave me be though, so I decided to plot out and write a sequel that goes there. 
> 
> Six chapters. Scenes between each pairing (Kara/Vasquez, Kara/Maggie, Maggie/Vasquez) and ultimately the three of them together. It'll take place during then after this story, and be in Vasquez POV. If that interests you, keep an eye out.


	9. SERIES UPDATE

As promised, there is another story in the series now - Scars Like Train Tracks [Straight To Your Heart]. From Vasquez POV with Romantic Vasquez/Maggie/Kara as endgame. If that floats your boat, check it our.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be going back and forth with their perspectives, giving them every other chapter. If that, or anything else is confusing, hit me up in the comments.


End file.
